Dun Dun Dun....(2 weeks to go)

("Schism" Won a Grammy! (best Metal preformance) *cheers* go Tool !)

Oh I am stealing this link from Lauren -- because it is very interesting, If you were to put yourself up for sale, how much could you get for you?

My short story (first draft) is turned in. o_O. Am I happy with it? No. Course not. But I think it has some potential for me to give it some love.

Sorry it has taken me so long to post something. I just haven't felt the need.

"only this one holy medium brings me piece of mind" - Maynard -----> This is a quote from maynard talking about Lachrymology. Which is basicly the study of crying used as therapy. Or the basic idea behind it is to transcend within yourself through learning from painful experiences. This is good stuff folks! All in all Pain is productive! Although when you are going though a boxes of kleenex at a time and have a mind set to blow up the world, you do not think so. But really, the goodness and learning is there. I too find that emotional pain results in a piece of mind. Oh well. its 4:30 in the morning. Much too late to think about this shit.

Love Maynard.....Love Tool....Listen to their music. (learn something)

~ Special K with straweberries is the best cereal. Ever.
~ Michael Jackson still scares me -- even after watching the VH1 special on him.
(but I still like a lot of his music, Oh god, did I just blog that outloud?)
~ I sometimes find myself watching Dismissed on MTV. -- I really really hate that show but watch it anyway.
~ half the time my socks don't match and one is always inside out. (just one though)
~ Talking to friends that you haven't talked to since High School, makes me wish I was back in High School.
~ Putting a (green) plant in a room with no windows really makes that room seem a lot more comfortable.
~ I wish this guy had a comment section on his blog. Diary of a Mad Monk.
~ I tend to hiccup everytime I take that first drink of a carbonated beverage. o_O
~ My mom bought Moulin Rouge today and I am too chicken shit to watch it for fear of getting over emotional!
~ I love [to hate] feelings of such intensity that you cannot fathom a verbal description for them (hence the word: Apophatic). Even if said feelings are sad and hurtful…. something relevant always comes out of them.
~ I wish I still sang in a rock band. I love being in the band scene. Now all I do is sing in the shower :(

I hate that feeling that your heart is forever going to have this void. Everyone I am sure has felt it. The notion that you will never --once again find that ultimate passionate love . That love that makes your world turn upside down. I have taken that for granted so many times...so many chances now that I ruined just because I toyed with too many emotions. I think this is Karma kicking my ass. Boy....the timing sure sucks. But i guess that is the point.

Have you ever really thought about a corner or edge? (look at a wall that is closest to you) It is just simply a point at where light and dark meet....thats the only reason the eye can see the edge. I remember my art teacher talking about this years ago in gradeschool and I thought he was just insane. But now I see his point. The only reason I bring this up is because I feel sick today and was staring at my ceiling and noticed the definte corners and edges of the wall -- and being bored as hell let my mind wander to thinking about the point at where light and dark meet...pretty cool when you think about it. Then you can start to think about where other opposites meet and why they are so relevent.

I don't feel like going into anymore detail. I feel very "flu-ish". Bring me chicken soup.

Hey over there....thats me in the corner.....no wait I am in a round room ?
(Question for you : Is there such a thing as a corner or edge in a round room?)

(when reading read, with the tone of Daria in your mind. (you know that character on MTV)

I just got off the phone with my dad. He asked me how I was doing. I said the usual “good”. Then he asked if I was just saying good because he saw what I posted on my site (tuesday's post) and I must have had a pretty bad day. Then he laughed. He laughed at my over dramatized bad day! Oh shame on you. Bad family for not using the comment section to leave encouraging comments on my bad day! Hmmph. (ok now I admit my family knows that I tend to be like this – they have seen it many times before. – still those feelings were very real and very intense to deal with!) He even asked how school was going….he even asked about the dreaded short story. He was laughing again ….

Love me. Someone. I am turning into Christopher Walken. His knack for dark humor. Oh wait too late. I am Christopher Walken. I am a bright shiny ray of sunshine. After all Uncle Trent hasn’t called me Wednesday Adams (for years) for nothing…thanks guys. I have a complex now.

Can we say major bi-polar action? I feel good. I woke up today with the sound of rain and thunder. I have disliked winter for one reason in the past --no thunderstorms. I love waking up to the sound of thunder (waking up to it all alone is a tad bit lonely but hey - its ok)....it is comforting somehow.

I locked the vile beast known as Nebula in the bathroom last night, I feel bad, but Jesus that cat has the vitality of something in human. She kept me up by running at high speeds back and forth across my bed and making strange sounds. maybe my mood intensity was just to much for the little thing.

Oh yeah I have the second part to my short story done (of course it still needs to be revisited) -- maybe some good old fashion blog venting was all I needed.

People were hung in various positions from you, sometimes with weights, stretching and dislocating limbs. Sometimes they were left to starve or succumb to the elements. All in all, you're a pretty forgiving person, provided they don't -really- get you angry.

?

Today has gone to shit. Being more specific -- I am suffocating ….drowning in my attempts to strive for the better and drowning in my false pretenses that everything is fucking fantastic. For those of you saying: “Gee she is losing it, this is the wrong time for her to not have a handle on things…after all she is going to have a baby soon, what kind of mother will this make her?” –fuck you. I have a right to fall apart. I have a right to not hold everything together and put up a smile in the face of “I told you so’s” and “She can’t handle life in the real world” –bullshit. I am having a bad day. Why? Because I have slept through an entire week trying to avoid this bad day and it has just escalated into a mass of guilt and anxiety, sweetened with bitterness and a crashing dive in motivation to do NOTHING and to feel nothing. Has it worked? Quite the opposite affect I was looking for.
That short story I was so hell bent on making perfect. Was due today. Did I even realize it? No. Is it close to being done?….you guessed it. Nope. Am I working on it now? …..not even close to starting.

So here I am back in this comfortable state of dark ambivalence seeing where I need to be and having no desire to get there. This is exhausting and my color is: Gone.

I won't even disclose the amount of time it has taken me to write (more like cut and paste) code for my new layout (and most of it was already done from a preset template!)....damn...it took forever. Anyway...lots to do today.
I wonder if any of you (besides one obvious person) know what Apophatic means...

Tired....oh so tired....

"When the last word has been spoken
and we've beared witness to the final setting sun
all that shall remain is a token
of what we've said and done"

--Stones from my enemies ~* these wounds will mend ~* but I can not survive ~* the roses from my friends --

I HAVE IT !!!!!!!! I have an idea. HUGE RELIEF. I have been so worried about this short story for creative writing and I was thinking (more like dwelling) and came up with this 3 part story that kind of converges into one. It is going to be very nonfictional but I will have to fictionalize some of it. whew. and the good news is I know how the first part is going to start out and I have the middle section already written (well most of it) I will post it up on my site when I have it finished.

So I watched the movie Ghost today. Damn cable. Like I haven't seen this movie a hundred times before...and still I cried.(I know-- super wuss) ok its really late. I am going to go back to bed and try and sleep again.

I swear i am not an insomniac. People who can't ever sleep are insomniacs....i just can't sleep at night and I sleep all day long.....that is something different.
*que random thought*I haven't listened to Type-O Negative in a long time....I missed them!

(btw Happy Birthday Miss Lauren!)

Warning: never ever watch the movie Up close and Personal between the hours of 3-4 am --especially if you are watching it alone. I just went through a half a roll of toilet paper :*( ok just never watch that movie because it is soooo sad!!! oh damn these hormones.....*sniffle* why oh why did the reporter husband have to die !!!!!!???? CAN"T THERE JUST BE A HAPPY ENDING FOR THE UNDER PAID REPORTERS? (is this a sign never to be a reporter?)

Ok I must get a hold of myself Robert Redford is still alive.....yes....keep telling myself that. BUT IT WAS SO SO HEARTBREAKING. *cries some more*

There should be a disclaimer before the movie starts : Watch at your own risk if feeling lonely, pregnant, emotional, ect. -- It could have been worse. I was contemplating to watch Pay it Forward.....I am so entirely glad I didn't watch that one. It would have wiped me out.

Which Star-Crossed Marvel Lover Are You?

*yeah* I love Rogue she was always my favorite!

I miss Valentine's Day in grade school...I don't know exactly how yours was but at our school we always had a contest as to who could make the most creative Valentine box. (i won one year --thanks to grandma and her help) and you HAD to give EVERYONE in class a valentine --even if you didn't like them. I remember trying to leave the dumbest/uglier valentines for the people I didn't like (i was a mean little shit) and ever so carefully selecting the "cool" ones for the people I really liked. And one year I remember not even giving one to Cory ...damn I forget his last name, but to this boy, because I knew he liked me and I couldn't stand him. I told him that I must have lost his. Oh How I tortured the boys even then! Anyway that is my little V-day story, I didn't post anything yesterday about V-day so I thought I would say something about it today. (because now that it is over I don't have to pretend it didn't bother me not to share it with that "special" someone -- but I did get a nice wake up call from a good friend and he made me smile as always)

Do you think it matters that some people that live in the U.S. never get to see the ocean before they die? I mean if you think about it they aren't that upset about it because they don't know what they are missing. But still --is that a loss? Same goes with someone who might never eat a piece of chocolate or see a snow fall -- is this a cruel life shame? I dunno. I think it is....(more to come later today)

Remember that cute little cartoon called the Care Bears? (I used to watch it religiously as a kid) well find out wich care bear you are! CARE BEAR STARE


(come on you know you are curious as to which cuddly little bear you most likely would be!)

Why did Hootie and the Blowfish have to go bankrupt? I don't understand they kick ass!

Evil EVIL music industry.....*sniffles*

You know what is so awesome? The fact that I am 36 weeks pregnant and I can STILL feel sexy when taking a bubble bath! YEAH ME. Of course getting out of the tub and seeing lovely little stretch marks bashes that all to hell but hey - I had my glorious moment!

Why can’t I leave positive things positive? Would that stifle my sunshiney personality so much? Do I always have to ask questions to an audience that may or may not give a shit? Do you think my therapist would love to read this site?

*LOL* my intensity gets the better of me ! Don't you love it? glancing back over my previous entries I see I am just a huge Drama queen. Oh the perilous journey of an answer thirsty mind !

One more week down and 4 more to go and my Tristen is here. Am I nervous? Just about the labor part of it all....but as far as being a mother. No. I can honestly say I have very rarely ever had pure faith in myself. With this I do - it is a truly beautiful feeling.

Just a quick post today, not a whole lot going on considering I slept most of the day - really tired lately. Anyway here is an entertaining link if you are in need of a few laughs. Ha ha

It is late and driving home tonight I had that overwhelming anxiety again. I don't know if it was the clear sky or just the beauty of the day today, or what. I tried to force that inevitable thought of nonexistence out of my mind and I forced myself to think about my son. (That always cheers me up) He is after all, the meaning of life right - the sole purpose? Then that song "Youth of the Nation" came on the radio and it made me think about how someday he is going to be in the generation that is the youth of the world. I had such an odd feeling of how life is constant and yet always changing. I think if you look at the bigger picture you will find not so many changes though....it just makes me feel so entirely small....so so tiny. I can't quite shake that feeling. The feeling of being nothing and everything at the same time. It is soooo strange. Perhaps again I am just overanalyzing again. I am to sensitive to the thought of not mattering...I am afraid to not be an individual....hell, I guess I am just human.

I think it is the silence that gets to me the most. because really there is no such thing as silence....Just something quite opposite – a constant, eternal, noise.

I just noticed that my poor comment section is down. Everytime I go to the site to see what is up I get this message "The server is temporarily too busy to process your request. Please try again later. " *dramatic pause* oh damn the server man!

What is heavy on my mind is just that. The sense of burdens and the weight of thought itself. When will I be able to break free from the chains of thought and just “be”? Can a person transcend that high that they don’t need to comprehend any concrete thought, they just know? Enlightenment. Is it tangible is it in everyone’s grasp? Hell no. I doubt anyone can achieve the actual definition of Enlightenment.

Enlightenment – a final blessed state marked by the absence of desire or suffering.

Granted I barely know anything about Buddhism or what I really am talking about but this just seems to make sense to me. I just think that each individual has the power to dive into his or her own minds and lay out all the information that is already there to achieve some sort of personal enlightenment. And all you have to realize is, is that you don’t have a chance in hell in figuring it all out (and that it really doesn’t matter!). That is what makes you Buddha. This is what makes you God. Yeah for me. Yeah for you. We are God. We rule! (Doesn’t that make you think of Kevin Spacey in that infamous line from American Beauty?…..oh how I love that movie)

Does this confuse you? Does this make you nod your head in agreement? Is it just too damn late? Damn that snowball.
(come on Nick - I know your smiling!)

A

Kalos Nous....

sorry for the lack of posting...I haven't felt all that great this weekend. I think I am getting sick :( and I am getting a little stressed because of all the things I have to do for school next week. That damn short story....I so lack any amount of creativity to write a story ....I lack the motivation to do the dishes let alone strive to write a masterpiece! I am beginning to think that going to school full time (instead of taking a semester off) was a bad idea. Hopefully I will feel better soon so i can get my ass motivated! .....*big sigh* so much to do.