To appease my Boyfriends suspicion of me trying to activly flirt with Stan (there was minor flirtation yes, but nothing will come of it) - here is a list of ALL the people of which, I have invited to meet up with me and at the Evanescence concert.

Greg
Jake
Stan
The entire APC chat room
Jess
Mike

Probably more, I just can't think of who else...So all in all, honey, I am inviting everyone I know that likes Evanecence (and then some) to go.


P.s. I hate it when blogs and blogger relations, make conflict in real life. It happens way too often. hmmmmph.
P.s.s. Stan, I will not censor your feelings on my boyfriend or tell you to censor them, but please be aware that they do hurt feelings.

baby poo and other things

Hello to all my avid readers. Heh, the select few that you are.
Did you all have a lovely Christmas? I hope so. Although a few of you should have gotten a pile of poo in your stocking *wink*

I haven't been posting as good of quality posts as I would like. I just don't have the motivation to spill my soul lately.

As if on cue -
My son just pooped. Must go change his diaper.
*******
I really don't mind cleaning up baby poo. I guess if you changed one poopy diaper, you have changed them all. I still hold my breath and make a yuck face though. I am reminded of that Jeff Foxworthy thing (wow thats a name from the past, huh?) where "Mom's will clean up anything."

Well, leave it to me to blog about shit. *grins* pun intended, of course.

*******

On a side note, I have a 2and job interview tomorrow to meet with the owners of this management company. I think they want to hire me. Wish me LUCK! (Although I am 95 % sure I have the job, I am cute, smart, wear skirts to work, can type really super fast, and know a lot of business jargon that makes me sound like I know what I am talking about. Who wouldnt hire me?

?

When you love someone and you have tried time and time again to have a secure relationship, but it always seems to falter...how do you know when enough is enough? What is that breaking point?

the worst thing for a woman is to feel ugly and unwanted. I feel ugly and unwanted at this moment.

I am so sick of eating christmas cookies for a meal.


oh love the pretty colors.

to clear up any hurt feelings or burnt egos. Yes, Nathan and I are back together. Yes I love him and I did miss him. xoxoxox.
We have decided we are not going to move in together, because it worked out so lovely last time. We are just going to see how things go...

He is making me pancakes at the moment. I didnt even have to ask. I just said "I want pancakes" and he got out of bed and started making them. *girly grin*

I do love you Nathan even in my "little internet world".

good morning. (no need to piss off today)

{Listening to: Evanescense : entire Cd} (sorry Tool you have been bumped, i know that is astonishing and insane because they aren't a very good band (yet). But I am in love. So sorry.)

Yes, hello. In a surprisingly happily discontent mood.

Nathan (baby's Daddy) and I had a talk a long time ago about Buddhist teaching of unattachement. I mean really. I sold my car to my dad who gave it to my step mom. :) I don't care. It is just a car. However, painful and humbling it is to type, I still ultimately do not care. I am losing my 1200 sq ft 3 bedroom ,with a fire place even, and trading it for a 700-800 sq ft apartment. Yes, it is quite a downer. I must remember that these things are just things. They are not keys to happiness or life fulfillment. (contrary to popular belief)

Maybe T and I should move to Tibet. Well.....Ok so that MUCH of nonattachment would probably drive me insane. Not killing a cockroach and eating rice every day- sleeping on the floor...come on.

Good Morning. Now Piss Off.

I am in a horrid mood.

I tried to keep positive with this getting fired thing.

It is not working.

I have no money and no home (apartment came with the job). I have 30 days to vacate the property.

Would really be nice if Santa did exist. I have been a fairly good girl.

I found out yet again, another close friend that I trusted lied to me to my face. This isn't unusual for me. It happens frequently. The thing is this was a friend that was 20 years older than me. I thought she was really out of the highschool bullshit stage. Apparently some women never stop being immature and petty.

I think, oh yes. I will get drunk tonight and do nothing to help my situation. Yes, that will make me feel tons better.
It is the boys Daddy's weekend. I am going to take advantage.

Hello Nightmare before Christmas ( i love that movie btw)

Happy Birthday to Jake!!!

Have a great Birthday, even with a bum knee.

Aspire to be nothing less than brilliant!


Love your two best girls:

Jess and Lyn

Merry Christmas to me.

I was fired today.

For being too young and too nice.

I am not money oriented and I should be.

Being people oriented is apparently a bad thing.

lets move in - red team GO

Come on America start sending over your corporate ceo's, bankers, food-chains, and contractors. Who will get to build the first Exxon Mobile in Iraq? Or how about a Gap on the downtown corner of main in Tikirt.

You know there are thousands of marketing proposals already. Think of it...the sexography, media, models, money. These people won't know what hit them. Who cares if they are Muslim. We will find some way to up root their culture and sell them perfection.

"This is bad news to all Iraqis," said Ammar Zidan, 21. "Even if they captured Saddam Hussein, we are all Saddam Hussein. We want freedom and independence from the Americans."

A young ambitious couple came in to look at an apartment today. The husband was apparently part of the army, and was starting a new job position at the armory in town. In a moment of over zealous joy she high fived her husband while saying "we caught him".

yes, hello YOU didn't catch him and this could have easily been done years ago. The problem could have been solved with an assassination attempt instead of entire war on the country.

How many times must I say it. I hate war, republicans, and our greedy ass president. I would like to move to New Zealand now .

Writing Exercise (no revisions)

Claremont

Clarity

Glass:


Melted sands from the hour
Dripping pieces of concrete thought
Smooth out into a river of clarity
To become reflected fragments of time

Cast and molded by vanquished joy
Pretty little menagerie
Shine with alter ego perfection
Being - scrapes the top layer of monotony

Love in this revered moment

sleep vs sex (um, HELLO?!)

Ok, Here is the deal. I like sex. I happen to like it a lot. I was talking to Jess and was telling her how angry I still am at my X (possible change in the x status in the near future though, will keep you updated) for turning me down (I believe it was 4 times, count them, 1.2.3.4 TIMES with in a year.)

This is unacceptable and makes me ANGRY, alright livid.

NEVER EVER, not have sex with me for the sole reason of being tired - unless you haven't slept for three days because you were constructing a new railroad across the Midwest and are so sun brunt that you can't move. Then and only then will I be forgiving.

He never actually said that he was 'too tired', he just made the little angry huffs and puffs when I tried to do 'the kiss'. Even repeated attempts to make him forget he was tired failed.

Yes, hello queue the feelings of mass annoyance, blow to ego, must go masturbate when you fall into your precious sleep, I will never forgive you for this, etc type of feelings to ensue.

Men of the world, listen up. Never, no matter how tired you may be, turn down advances from your girlfriend. It will be detrimental to your sex life for the next 6 months if not your entire relationship.

plagiarism post (half) then a needed confession.

your eyes are like a calm lake / on which my love canoe can silently glide.
You have to feel sorry for a man who writes this and means it.

"I am totally psyched about this abortion"

Ok, as I read this very strange article, I wanted to throw up, then I realized it is an actual slandering of people who have abortions without any kind of thought or care. The site that I stole this from can be found here.

They have interesting things to read. I doubt any of it is legit, but hey it makes the work day progress a little faster.

Progress. (praawwgress or proooogress)
Tomato and who the *hell says tomato (tamaato)?

*censoring my swearing for the day. Trying hard to be PC. (don't worry it won't last much longer)

Yes, I too have blog rolling now. I can't help but follow suit. It is just so convenient!

I have a confession I need to make.

I have been frequenting McDonalds. (T and I had dinner there 2 days in a row last week)

I know, I know. I have fallen into mass ugliness. I can't help it, I crave their soy/ecoli infested greasy burgers, and 8 hour old French fries. That little McGriddle thing. Horrid name for a sandwich but really is very tasty (and cheap). I need counseling. Please. Help.

Will hail mary's help? Or how about an Our father?

My Immortal


*What Song by Evanescence are You?*
brought to you by Quizilla


2/24/2004 Assembly Hall Champaign IL Evanescence will being playing. If you love me you will find a way to get me back stage passes. I will buy tickets to the show the day the are going to be sold.
I already have a call into the vice president of the rock radio station. Perhaps having that contact will pay off. It better.

I should go to a concert every 2-3 months. It is refreshing and still makes me feel like a not so old single mother with no vibrant and youthful life.

Hate the fans, we love it.

I hate APC fans (and most Tool). They are the epitome of social rejection, sexual perverts and pseudo intellectual lower class bumpkins. (not as bad as the ICP following, however)
I can't believe how many kids were at this concert. No wonder Maynard would rather spit on his fans than say hello, I would too!
Had a good time none the less. It still was a rock concert in a small gymnasium with no chairs. Standing only. We are about 5 rows of people back from the stage, getting squished. I love getting smashed in a horde of sweaty starry eyed people who want nothing more than to touch the lead singer's ass.
The opening band was a no namer. They were still pretty good, we were walking right behind the lead singer (in all his hot-ness) when we first walked in.
Maynard did the classic "stay in the shadows while dancing fluidly and eerily" thing. So nice of him to be predictable. He blurted out a joke about Michael Jackson. *eye roll*
Jeordie White (Twiggy) looked fantastic. He unfortunately had the flu and still managed to pull off a great show. I saw him later back stage . I was waiting outside leaning against their tour buses - not moving until I saw someone from the band. I waited for an hour in the cold to catch a glimpse or say hello. Yes I said Hello and Yes I saw him and Billy/Maynard. They looked busy. Lots of groupie sluts tagging along with them and they were already on the path to getting drunk and getting high. Oh to be one of them *wishful sigh*

No matter. Every time I see either Tool or Apc in concert, I get lost in the music and end up closing my eyes and letting it all wash over me. I let the crowd push and shove me with the pushing and shoving of my being. It was fantastic. Sweaty - sticky mass of people all touching and breathing on each other, and I still managed to find a peaceful moment. Fantastic.

Odd, I found myself thinking that I wanted to talk to Jeordie about parenting. Why is this? I just wanted to sit down and have a conversation with the man. So close to doing so. Perhaps next time when he isn't so involved.

The next concert I go to will be Evanescence. (I should hope)

P.s Maynard threw his water bottle at the end of the show and the person I was smushed up against happened to catch it, it happened to bounce off of my hand into his arms, and he happens to be a kid that I knew from high school. I thought he was a snotty horny guy then, I think he is a snotty horny guy now.
I was so thirsty by the end of the show, I would have drank all of the water in that blasphemous bottle anyway.

I didn't buy a T-shirt. I think I am past the wearing the band T-shirt stage. Although I do like to sport my Tool tee with the large phallic on the back. (on occasion) It makes me feel tough and badass, like I pretended to be in high school.

Oh those were the days.

Things that irritate me to no end at a concert:

1. Over priced T-shirts
2. Fans that advertise that they love the band (wearing band merchandise)
3. Little girly girls who sit on their boyfriends shoulders that block your view
4. People who throw random items (shoes, plastic cups filled with beer, gum, etc.)
5. Security guards that try and prohibit you from smoking (come on, its a ROCK concert)
6. 3.00 (plus) bottles of water

Things that I love at a concert:

1. Music so loud your pants vibrate
2. To witness music effecting people
3. The after concert glow
4. Adrenaline
5. The open attitude towards sharing choice drugs, cigarettes, and alcohol
6. The excitement when the band plays that one song that everyone knows and loves.

Horseshit. (was his favorite word)

I talked to Steve yesterday. I tried to sell him the APC tickets. It was a no go. Anyway talking to him made me remember the days when I used to go over to his house every weekend. (I kind of miss the shit head)

The same five or six people sitting around talking about the same exact things. Favorite topic of conversation always wound up being about pot, music, or sex. Steve used to hook a microphone up to his amp and we would all take turns singing horribly to his limited cd collection.

The moral of today’s post: Everyone wants to be a rock star.

Jess and I are taking a short road trip to the APC concert tonight. We won’t be back until 3 or 4 ish in the morning. Our boss is meeting us at the office for a morning meeting. Should be …….interesting.

P.s. (ok effers don’t tell me you love the new layout! Be that way!)

Going to work on some writing for the rest of the day, Nick’s words of love, appreciation, and encouragement still linger in my mind .

LA LA LA LA


ok, whew. that was an obscene length of time I just spent redoing this damn site. Thank you www.blogskins.com for the hours of surfing through premade blog goodies.

I know I know, I have to center the page (i really dont know how to do it) and I have to get my archives to work. I am burnt out right now, fix it later this week. Enjoy the new layout and the new template for the comment section. (thanks May, I stole the comment template from you)

I feel the need to totally redo my entire layout. I think I am going to work on it tonight. xoxoxox, need to stop by Ms. May's site and see if she has anything new.

spiral out not in.......yes. I have to remember this always. Thank you for the reminder. See you .

Happy Birthday Jim !

I wonder if you get cake in the after life?

"The future's uncertain and the end is always near.... LET IT ROLL BABY ROLL!"

yeah, like that.

Don't blog on the first date

Ok, so props to spontaneity. The date went well. Aside from being incredibly tense and feeling nervous. Turns out this guy was more intelligent and insightful than the norm. I didn't have to put on the acting shoes. I would be a horrible actress anyway - yes, hello stage fright. He is a physics major after changing from psychology and philosophy. He teaches a class at Purdue, and has great taste in music, and he loves words!

However, I started mentioning this site. This has consequently shoved me into the realm of huge blog dorkness. Of course I told him how to find it, so now I have remember to never speak of this blog again when just meeting someone! That is like bearing you soul to a stranger! Well, we are supposed to go out for lunch on Friday. We will see what happens...gotta love to hate ambiguity.

ok universe, you and I have to have a little chat.

Twisted in Time

(music i'm currently listening to : depeche mode, It's no good)

Oh yeah, I took at nap today around 2 pm woke up at 6pm and thought it was six in the morning. I went to triple XXX still thinking it was Sunday Morning. Ordered Breakfast and coffee and was shaming myself for sleeping through an entire free Saturday evening (baby's dad has T this weekend). Then the guy at the restaurant found out that I thought it was Sunday morning and decided to fuck with me a little. Then the waitress felt bad for me and she clued me in. I then became all disoriented because time does have a resounding impact on you when you are completely incoherent of it. So now the guy sitting across from me asks me what I am going to do with my Saturday night that I thought I missed. I told him - go back to bed. To make a long story short, he is picking me up in an hour and we are going to play pool. Yeah...I can be that cute girl the doesn't know how to play pool. I love putting on my actress boots. *wink* I'll let you know how it goes. Said guy is cute however, this is a major plus.

BABIES!!!

I was looking back through Tristen's baby pictures. Omg...Where is my little baby? He is 19 months going on 5.
Now, I just get really really gooey and mushy whenever I see a baby. I want to cuddle and hold all the babies I see. It is like that cliched "woman baby love syndrome" thing has kicked into over drive. I want litters of babies!!! (*ahem* to watch litters, no more of my own, of course, that way I can give them back when this baby euphoria fades)
I used to dislike small children altogether, despise babysitting, and get so frustrated at any little scream or whine. Now I can't stop myself from walking up to a stranger in a department store and awww at their little bundle of joy. I have become one of those people now. jeeez.

Hello Universe, I love you too!!

Today is a fantastic day! I love the snow, I love this AOL radio station, I love today, today.

I was singing christmas carols and Jess was going to throw something at me! Can you believe it? Scrooge Jess. ha.

Seriously, if anyone of you get AOL, turn the AOL radio station on to the 90's Alternative station. They play all kinds of dephece mode, Portishead, tool, etc. It is just fantastic.

I am so happy today. Who would have thunk it?

the stepmom strikes back

Ok, my stepmother decides to harass me while using an undercover name on this site. Lovely, just fucking brilliant.

ALL IP addresses are tracked on this site, if you view this site I will know. When, what Internet connection you have, what time, what kind of browser you even looked at my site with, even what kind of version of windows you have!

If you leave a comment on the site I know who left them. All I have to do is ask Jake nicely and he tracks the IP addresses for me.

Yes, hello immaturity at it’s finest.

Here are the comments she left on my site:
(Keep in mind this is a grown woman who thinks she is a good influence on my son)


“again on the me me me me u sick bitch” – posted Date/Time: Nov 12 2003, 11:20 pm

“and can u remember the boy friends name..lmfao..have your arms seen a razor lately?people like that need to raise a kid.. “ Nov 12 2003, 11:17 pm 11:20 pm

“anybody can give birth..it takes someone special to be a mama” Nov 12 2003, 11:10 pm

“me me me me me me me don't u get tired of yourself?” Nov 12 2003, 11:09 pm

“ANYBODY EVER TOLD U THAT UR STUPID????” Nov 12 2003, 11:05 pm

“and when was the last time your lazy ass voted?” Nov 12 2003, 11:30 pm

“on top of the xanex and cold medicine..can u remember who is taking care of your kid or where he's at?” Nov 12 2003, 11:25 pm

Ok I am going to stop right there. You all get the point. There are probably more posts, but I really don’t need to read anymore to get the hint.

* This woman, used to leave HER child at home alone with a 13 year old babysitter hours on end while she went to the bar to feed her addiction to alcohol. (Lacey Burton was the babysitter, town slut even at 13. Bravo on the choice of childcare!)
* My dad has had to change the sheets on her bed countless times from her pissing herself so much.
* I remember her lighting her bed on fire, with her son in it, because she was so drunk she forgot about the cigarette in her hand.
* I remember the time she smashed up Tristen’s toys because she had a relapse and flipped the fuck out and my dad had to call her mother to come and calm her down. – And this happened recently and at that time I do recall her saying she was never going to drink again. LMFAO. Yeah ok.

· Who has had their driver’s license suspended for too many DUI’s? I’ll give you a hint - IT WASN’T ME!
· There is probably so much dirt that I don’t even know about. I know for a fact she was never around when her son was little. I know this because I remember her always asking lacey to babysit and I remember when she first started dating my dad, coming over drunk all the time, and never with her son. Where was he then?

brief note the stepmother in question:

Angie, you have no right to even BEGIN to tell me that I am raising my son wrong. You point that damn finger at yourself and take a long hard look at your own parenting mistakes.

Act your damn age.

I love it when there is a snowstorm! I love winter. I hate wearing a jacket if its above 30 degrees. The best thing about snow storms though, is getting stuck in one with someone you love. I know, I am mushy today. Someone has inspired me to be though.
Mr. Anonymous ,pretty pointless to use the word anonymous when I know who sent the comment. Next time. Just don't leave one if you don't want to get caught.

Chicago garbage strike saves winners of $10.5 million lottery


Come on! How lucky can you one get? And to think some people don't believe that the universe conspires in their favor. hmmmph.

How do they always know these things??


As if you were born into a world of tears, you
always tend to look at the darker things in
life. Inside you crave attention yet push away
society, and you're a hopeless romantic. Drawn
to things like the occult and mysteries, you
spend your time daydreaming of "What
If's".


What Type of Soul Do You Have ?
brought to you by Quizilla

yummy


Have I ever mentioned how much I love Portishead?

I really really love them; please send me the front woman for Christmas

I had a dream last night that I hung out with Amy Lee (Evanescence)_and Shania Twain, I made neat music video too. It was lovely.

Watched X-men 2 finally. I love that series. If I could have a super power, I think it would be Rouge’s. But it would really be horrible to not have human contact. So it’s a toss up between Rouge and Jean. Hmm..

Not a lot going on right now.

Kind of a boring post.

Yeah. Sorry about that.

Buy Nothing Day

Yes, thats right. Don't you even think about buying even a sip of coke to drink today.


hmmph

~ Wow, never saw that oak tree standing there before ~

Had a fantastic weekend. It was the ex boyfriend’s weekend to take T, so I had the entire weekend to do whatever I wanted. It was a brilliant time.

Spent time with an old friend…now a new old friend thanks to illuminating new light I saw him in.

Also,


I hung out with a ghost - he has been haunting me since 9th grade. He holds the title of many firsts for me: first time to: get drunk, fall in love, smoke a joint, skip school, feel accepted, be infatuated, find the crossroads, hear Type-O negative > Stabbing Westward > City of Angels Soundtrack > The Cure > list goes on and on…, want to have sex, start the games, invoke deeper thought, open my eyes to other points of view, hear of Crowley < The Masons < Wicca < Pagans < other miscellaneous occult and conspiracy thoughts and theories.

*yawn* ok didn’t go to sleep until 7:30 this morning so train of thought isn’t really working out so well for me at the moment.

Look out Maynard, Here we come


Jess and I are going to the A Perfect Circle concernt in Peoria, Ill. on December 10th! (just recieved ticket confirmation) Just us girls no boys. Oh my, I can't wait. Maybe I will stay outside the entire time and stalk the backstage door until I see Maynard. I must tell him in person how wonderful and inspiring his music is (in both bands) then he will see how much of an insightful and brilliant girl I am, and we will become best of friends. Oh yes. That is what will happen I am sure of it.

Listed v. 2.3

1. I can proudly proclaim that yes, I have a foot fetish
2. I am addicted to Photoshop, once I start editing a picture – that’s it I am stuck for hours messing with little things, trying out countless fonts and filters
3. The 21st century offers such a selection in hair care products, that I will never acquire enough cabinet space to house it all.
4. Amy Lee from Evanescence is my new crush (have you heard that voice? Have you seen that beautiful face?)
5. I am going to take singing lessons soon
6. I am not buying Christmas presents this years (except for kids and some select friends) I will be giving out cards from each charity I give to and actually “give the gift of giving”.
7. I don’t like Christmas or thanksgiving. I don’t really know why. I really don’t believe in Jesus or that we have a right to celebrate the fact we took this land away from it’s original inhibitors and put them in a vast wasteland to survive.
8. I miss Dale and want him back from Iraq. I talk to him on a daily basis and I hate the fact our insane ‘president’ put him there. He needs to be home. He was talking to me when he base was bombed by mortars. He said, “The Iraqis don't use them right.” However, good to know, I still don’t feel any better that he is there, fighting for McDonalds, Exxon, and the Gap to all have their place in downtown town Baghdad. RISKING HIS LIFE FOR CORPORATE AMERICA!
9. too pissed off to list anymore.

News worthy

Originally published in Current, Oct. 20, 2003 By Mike Janssen

Misperceptions:

What percent of audience members held one or more of three misperceptions about the war? (Source: Program on International Policy Attitudes.)
Fox 80%
CBS 71%
ABC 61%
NBC 55%
CNN 55%
Print media 47%
PBS/NPR 23%

Pubcasters welcomed a study released Oct. 2 [2003] that showed people who turn to public broadcasting for news have the most accurate views of the Iraq war among media consumers.

****
Yeah, so all in all don't trust what you see on t.v. you should know better by now. Try surfing the net to find out more information than what the networks feed to you. This is the USA people. There is no truth voluntarily given - especially to inform us on what our own preemptive war is doing to the world.

Thanks again to Moby for giving us great insight from his journal. I love that guy. I think he hates bush as much as I do - and he talks to people like he isn't famous (even though I never listen to his music) How lovely!

blah blah blah


strawberry kisses and butterfly whispers
lead me with faith
unconditional love and unaltered dreams
keep me real
the fear and spider webbed nostalgia
take me away
truth and life purpose
shove me right back
*
*
Tug of war with my soul
and you step in with scissors in one hand
and super glue in the other
cut in two
both sides fall
bonded back together
chemically fused and fixed

hmm. not going to finish this now. Maybe later.

Nice shot.

Please tell me I am not the only one who thought that “Hey man nice shot” by Filter was about Kurt Cobain! Jess and I had to Google Filter and Kurt Cobain to find the answer. I was wrong. The song is NOT (contrary to popular belief) about Kurt. The song is based loosely on a movie the singer/songwriter from Filter had seen before Kurt had even died.

I miss listening to Nirvana. I used to wear little Kurt shirts all the time and I didn’t even listen to the damn band when he was alive. I was such the little sheep, however black it was, now that I look back on it.

I have to get back to taking my defensive driving test online. Damn thing, I have to spend 4 hours minimum on this! Just for speeding! So very unjust...

respectfully

The interview with GOD

Nathan's sister sent this to me. You all know I am agnostic, but I just wanted to share this with you because it did touch a part of me and may just do the same for you as well. Also, if you like this you will love: (or if you don't like it but you want a more 'new age'/philosophy' approach) then view:

Live REAL (compliments of Nick) (and I like this better just because I can appreciate more of the artistic approach on this than the other one)

P.S. If you have dail-up it may take a little longer for you to load, if you have high speed internet then there should be no reason why you should NOT click at least one of the two links. They really are inspiring.

Maybe even enough for me to call my dad in a few days.

beauty is in revolution

My beautiful little butterfly. Sometimes Orange or changing like a soft spin of a kaleidoscope.
What is it that you want to tell me? I am listening, your soul forever grown, as old as eternity now.

I have put you there and you do not mind, locked and loving in your field of red.

The healer and the healed have shown me my inner strength.

For now, We stand/stood together, the Trinity, and you. Your soft butterfly wings whispered and willed enlightenment to us all. Thank you love.

*************

Went to Chicago this past weekend. Really and truly an Apophatic weekend. Nick and Kisa my love, respect, and appreciation go beyond emotion to you both. Through what would seem to be the darkest time in my life, I can look at it with all that inner light and strength people love to rant about but you never seem to really comprehend. But.....fortune-ately I do comprehend, well more than comprehend I have discovered and stumbled onto this new path. You have not just helped me but you have helped my son as well.

I will see you both again soon.


Cruetly was/maybe still is my favorite card. I just can't figure out why.

small n big fucking Q

while waiting for the drugs to kick in so I can get some sleep....let me just ramble about some things that are on my mind at the moment.

I cleaned YOUR vomit out the the toilet about an hour ago, only so I could throwup in a nice sparkling clean one. I am sick because my nerves are so shot that I can not do anything but be sick.
Then I discover you took the toothpaste with you as you so hastly left me alone to deal with fear and anger. So i had to wash my mouth out with our son's child toothpaste and Juicy Juice fruit punch.

Becky stayed here with me and I gave her your boxer shorts to wear to sleep in. (so fucking ironic) she calmed me down when i could not stop shaking, she helped me breath when for 2 and 1/2 hours I drowned in panic. she rubbed my back and did not object to doing so because I had not done the same for her. She did the things that I wanted you to do, so she wore your underwear and is currently in our bed, being here for me.

THIRD TRIMESTER ABORTION GOES LIKE THIS:

The baby is delivered backwards....with the head left inside. They insert a tube/needle into the nape of the baby's neck and basically SUCK the life (brains) out of the child. The only reason why this is not murder is because they do not deliver the baby entirely. think abou that for awhile. If the baby happens to be bigger than expected, they will inject the placenta with Saline to basically burn the baby alive...the baby will then thrash and fight ....and the doctors will dismemeber the child and take it out piece by piece. I am not currently up-to-date on the legality of this. As far as I know in MOST (that means that it still could be taking place this very instant) it is illegal. If you have any information for me about how I can help regaurding abortion laws please email me or leave a comment.

"Sweets to the sweet, farewell!"

I bought myself a bouquet of flowers today. I should put them in my hair and dance and sing songs that drive me even more insane.


Larded with sweet flowers;
which bewept to the grave did go
which true-love showers.
(Act IV Sc. V, Lines 37-39)

Although the grave is not of my fathers.....it is the grave of my love.

a little piece

MORE portishead. Not many of you probably know them and that is how it should be. Their music is for the selected. "Who feels it knows it" - Bob Marely Yes, he said it best.

ROADS

Ohh, can't anybody see
We've got a war to fight
Never found our way
Regardless of what they say

How can it feel, this wrong
From this moment
How can it feel, this wrong

Storm.. in the morning light
I feel
No more can I say
Frozen to myself
****************

Tempest said: " I dont want faded love"
Professor said: "you have fated love"

And the Tempest screams and claws again at his rice paper soul . Her nails dripping with bloody guilt and empty pleasure.
She turns with darkened smiles and malicious filled hunger to feel - no thing. She falls, right along with him. Isn't it tragic? -- How can it feel this wrong?

Tell it to Shakespeare or Tolstoy why don't you.

Dozens massacred in farming village ‘with no military targets’

Rubble and fresh graves marked with the flags of martyrs are all that remains of a tiny Afghan village after a US bombing raid this week. Western journalists and human rights organizations published the clearest evidence yet of mass civilian casualties caused by the US military coalition. At least 60 people were killed on the night of October 22 in Chowkar-Karez, a small farming village, according to reports based on the accounts of journalists, eyewitnesses in the village and survivors ferried to a hospital in the Pakistani city of Quetta.

The Pentagon reluctantly admitted that an AC-130 Spectre gunship attacked the village. (this event actually happend last year, read the rest of the story here.

***************************

As we were leaving Madison, we cut across the capital square to get to the car. We began to see picket signs displaying anti-war sentiments and then we started to hear the all to clichéd "young woman activist headedly yelling into a megaphone" sound. It was clearly an anti GW/war/racist/republican rally. It was wonderful. I only wish that we could have stayed longer. The rally was decently informative about the economy, the war, and the effects of Bush as president. For instance GW's list of presidential and Governor accomplishments are as follows:
- Spent US surplus and bankrupted the US treasury
- Shattered the record for the largest annual deficit, in US history
- cut health-care benefits for war veterans
- set the record for biggest annual budget spending increases, than any other US president
- first president to have the UN remove the US from the Human Rights Commision
- presided over the biggest corporate stock-market fraud in any other country in history
- set the record for most executions by a Governor (Texas) in US history
- became the US president after losing the popular vote by over 500,000 votes with the help of major Enron money and the help of big GW's appointments to the supreme court.
- changed the pollution laws in favor of the power and oil companies and made Texas the most polluted state in the US - replacing Houston over LA as the most smog-ridden city in America
- first president in history to have a jajority of Europeans (71%) view my country as the world's biggest threat to peace and security
- was declared AWOL from the National Guard during Vietnam
- refused to allow inspectors access to prisoners of war and thereby reused to abide by the Geneva Convetion
- entered office with teh strongest economy in US history and turned every single economic category donward , in less than two years
- refuse to take a drug test or answer any questions about drug use
- set a record for fewest press conferences by any president since the advent of television
- set the record for most days on vacation in any one year (after taking off the entire month of August, he presided over the worst security failure in US history (9-11)
- shall I go on and on and on and on.......?
************************************************
I just have two things to say really,

Don't fucking vote REPUBLICAN. Can't you see what happens?

Score

Going on a short trip to Madioson (WI) tonight! I love that town. xoxoxox

Déjà vu

VH1 has been showing the “1 love the 80’s” flashback type of deal. I love this program. The 80’s were fantastic.
I am bound and determined to hunt down all episodes of Jem and the Holograms on ebay. I remember wanting those pink earrings that she wore, so very badly. I used to pretend I was she.
Also this show has brought back nostalgic memories of music. Bon Jovi, Twisted Sister, Depeche Mode, The Cure, The Bangles, Pat Benatar, Tears for fears My list of songs to download illegally is growing!
Remember Howard the Duck?( creation of George Lucas) I vaguely do. 1986 is the year 9 ½ weeks came out (Mickey Rourke and Kim Basinger). If you haven’t seen this movie - Oh my. It is one of the most erotic, disturbing, and strangely eccentric movies I have ever seen. Oh yeah, and you can’t forget that movie with the little Buddha kid and Eddie Murphy! I loved that movie; note to self to rent that this weekend. – oh my and the Gremlins (1984) such a classic.

I have to force myself to stop now. I will continue to fill this post up with classic movies, artists, shows, etc. I must go shopping now on Ebay and relive my childhood.

Star power

Slipped Through The Cracks

so it seems as if a bunch of relatively germaine news stories have kind of slipped through the cracks lately...
such as:
a-bushes involvement with enron
b-bushes involvement with the bin laden family
c-the whereabouts of osama bin laden
d-the lack of wmd's in iraq
e-the treasonous bush leak about the cia operative and so on.
i just don't want us to get too distracted by austrian governors and vicious tigers.

- so says Moby

I think it is wonderful that moby gets politcal in his blog. I think it is equally as wonderful that Moby even has a blog - and he updates it daily. He also communicates with fans through his site as well. More 'stars' need to connect and come back down to reality, blogging is just another way to do that! whoohoo for the bloggers.

That one democrat...

Yeah, I found a decent candidate that is running for president. But, I forgot his name. The boyfriend knows who he his, I should as him. Anyway, seeing as I can't remember the guys name, I guess I really don't have much to post about him yet. Just know political posts to come in the near future. I think his last name ends something like 'inski' or something of the like.

Anyway, insane day at work. First off I threw on some thigh high hose (hate wearing them to work)...of course they had a run in them by noon - Had to take them off in the middle of a department store while shopping for accessories for the model apartment that has to be ready by tonight. Consequently my very pale, hasn't seen a razor in a week, legs were looking mighty sexy as I run around town all doped up on Dayquil. Next, had to stop by the radio station because they wanted to redo one of my commercials. Took over an hour because 1. I have a cold and it is hard to disguise my voice to sound normal and 2. Any cold medicine makes me loopy so I had to read the script 3 or 4 times. But, on the up and up the DJ asked me if I ever thought of going into radio because I had the voice for it. Whoohoo. The rest of the day goes like the first half, only add the old stalkerish tenant, solicitors, and a sad phone call with my mother. Today was swell I tell you.

*sigh* enjoy some writing not written by me

"It's hard to be religious when certain people are never incinerated by lightning." -Calvin and Hobbes

"The truth does not set you free, it just makes everyone irritable. " -Unknown

"I don't know with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones." -Albert Einstein

"The problems that exist in the world today cannot be solved by the level of thinking that created them." -Albert Einstein

"Talent does what it can; genius does what it must."
Edward George Bulwer-Lytton

(quotes were thoughtfully stolen from pete's page)

A heartbeat sounds

In recent reflection of Ms.Laurens post. (I recommend reading her very well written post frist) I will go ahead and repost my comment that I left on her site. This issue has been torn apart, swallowed, and thrown back up so many times that something has to be done soon or I fear people are just going to stop caring.

Comment: I don't understand the religious aspect of their protest. Moral aspect yes, religious no. From a Christian point of view many of the women who have abortions may not even believe in a Christian god, there for they are already 'damned'. What's all the focus on religion about? The focus needs to be on the women/children themselves.

Personally, I have a line that I will not cross. Perhaps it is so that I can find a comfort in knowing whether abortion is right or wrong, or should be totally left to all choice or choice with some factoring guidelines. The line for me is this: no cardiac activity - no problem with termination of an early pregnancy. Cardiac activity exists (before second trimester) but having a full term pregnancy will be fatal to the mother or the child will contract fatal medical problems - no problem. Also rape cases should be carefully weighed. Basically what I am trying to say is that, in my opinion, if there is cardiac activity and there will be no evident fatal health factors, then abortion should be illegal. (of course there will always be extenuating circumstances) this seems to be a middle ground for the moral/ethical issues abortion leaves everyone screaming about.

Inspriation
See what fuzzy navel wine coolers, a pack of cigarettes, Front Page, and an open friday night can do?


In other attempts to amuse myself:


Exhibitionist


The ULTIMATE personality test
brought to you by Quizilla

Damnit, I am such a bitch.

When I grow up.
I want to be
Me...who? I don’t know what it is about family and why it is so hard to understand each other. Given the fact that some families are not dysfunctional, the majority -I would assume - is. Now, I can’t really put a definition on functional but as far as I can see with mine – there is no function at all. All I am trying to do is accomplish self-sufficiency and have a strong positive influence on my son’s life. This has become complicated because it has taken me a year and a half to get my life together enough to assume this responsibility.

My father and stepmother have helped me raise my son this far. I recently suggested that they alternate between a daycare and watching my son (they are used to watching him everyday while I am at work) It would seem like I went up and told them I spit in mother Teresa’s face, instead of merely suggesting that I try and take control of my family. My stepmother then hangs up on me in mid-sentence of my thought over proposal. I call back and my dad says that he is ‘finished’ and hung up on me as well. Now I am left to wonder what the hell is going on. As much as I would love to say ‘fuck it’ I know T will miss them. I am torn between hurt feelings and grudges. These things will have to be pushed aside so I can figure out a way that my son can have a ‘normal’ relationship with his grandparents.

I just don’t understand much of my father. He would rather me work at a factory 2 blocks from his house than get a college education and stay at the company I am working for now. He told me before that I should go on welfare so I could stay home with my son all day. He has mentioned that going back to school was ‘a big mistake’. He constantly barrages me with second guesses and now that I have done things on my own and taken a stand, he thinks I am crazy! CRAZY for buying my own car with out him helping, crazy for moving to Lafayette in a free condo (perk of the job), Crazy for wanting to take charge of my life. Hello, I was crazy when I was surrounded by negativity and condescending attitudes.

I think the moral of the story is not to let other people take control of your life. Once you start depending on them for one thing, it will run into depending on them for something else. Never let anyone tell you how you should live. If you do that, you are living a stranger’s life with their hopes and their dreams. Piss on that. Do it on your own. Even if it means going through hell to get to where you need to be. (this paragraph does not mean to shut everyone out completely, I think it goes without saying that everyone needs help once in a while…..blah blah blah I think you get my point)

xoxoxoxox

Congrats to me. I made my first huge financial purchase today (that my dad says will put me in debt hell) . Anyway...

Yes, it is a loaded 98 SILVER Grand Prix with a 3800 (something or other) engine and all leather interior (which I could have done with out) Oh my. It was so liberating. The only bad thing about it was, is that I had to bring an older guy friend with me who knew a lot about cars for fear of getting the “woman buying a car” antic from the salesman.

and on a little side note, a tenant of mine (I was promoted to Property Manager a few weeks ago - score -) came in and asked me how my sex life was. This particular tenant seems to be around late 50's with balding gray hair and those strange kind of stalkeresk blue eyes. Then he proceeded to tell me about his sex life and low and behold it is surprisingly good. Actually, I would venture to say it is better than mine. ANYWAY - Still kind of freaked out about the whole conversation really - I wonder what kind of questions/wierdos next month's rent will bring. I really am going to have to start a blog of tenant interactions. Things can get pretty interesting around the office.

Tolstoy?


Remember that fantastic thought you had? Well...ok so you have too many to remember. Anyway, they put one on the calander at work and I loved it. The only problem is that was the quote for September and that sheet was thrown away due to it now being October. Damnit, how am I going to find out what it said!?

Look out Law...

I am thinking about changing my major to pre law. Yes, my step dad had a bad cocaine addiction and yes he did get caught with a ‘good’ amount. But he is trying, he is going to rehab and he has a new job. The prosecuting attorney decided that they were going to take all the incriminating evidence (that they had promised immunity to) and use it against him. He is looking at a Class A felony. Minimum 20 years. He could get off on technicality but the lawyer that can get this for him cost 30,000 for just the retainer. WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH THESE PEOPLE. Money can buy everything. It is disgusting. I think I have new motivation to becoming a lawyer. I don’t know if I can take it though.

I watched The Life of David Gaiyle last night. Excellent movie. I just love Keven Spacey!

I can not begin to quit.

few thoughts before bed:

egotistical facets of beauty
personified:
everyting is egotistical....because we are all seeing at each other attracted to each other and we are all God...just the brillaint colors that make up the many facets
mirrored images with slight distortions...spinning for The One to see

dreams...every night that conversate with one and everything

your truth or his truth -
everything, is just a little one thing

------------------------------------------------
the quick brown fox jumped over the lazy fence

concentrate on the letters missed...figure out the message

then you will know what this is :

Le Miserables

Do not go see Le Divorce. really really bad movie. (the only reason why I watched it all the way through was because Kate Hudson is cute and the movie was set in France and the fashion was so chic)

In other news: I will register to vote next week (first time EVER) just so there is one less vote for Bush. I have never voted before because I never believed that the system really spoke for the people (and I think anyone that runs for president is crooked anyway, it just varies in intensity). I just don't think I would be able to stand living in this country if B2 gets reelected. I am appalled at what America and Americans represent to the world. (Power hungry, money hungry, World Hungry, gluttonous consumers – that will stop at nothing to get want for as cheap as we can get it)

Hmmph.

**insert some witty and creative title here**

Yes, Hello there. A lot has been happening and my mind has been racing - but I really lack the energy and the motivation to put it into interesting enough sentences to post. The lack of posting is also due to the massive attack of viruses on my computer. Hack the system see if I care - just leave MY effim computer alone!

I went to Barnes and Noble yesterday with Jess. We drove around in the pouring rain looking for places to spend money. -- yes we went out to be comsumers and feed the capitalist monster that grinds salt into the open wounds of the world. (oh my where the hell did that come from?)

ANYWAY. I sort of went book happy and decided I like to read now. I bought:

1. The Bell Jar - Sylvia Plath (because I read a poem of hers awhile ago that made my stomach turn so much i thought I would vomit on the quaint little coffee table that the book was sitting on)I guess i am just a masocist for buying it.
2. The catcher in the rye - JD Salinger (well who doesn't have this book? - i read it in 8th grade and I want to read it again knowing much more of the history behind this book)
3.BITCH {in praise of difficult women} - Elizabeth Wurtzel (I think it is time for me to read all of the books in the women's studies section)
4.Women Who Run With the Wolves - Clarissa Estes (see reason for book #3)
5.The turn of the screw & Washington Square - Henry James (TTOTS is just a fucked up storyline and I really have no desire to read washingtion square..it was just a kind of two for one thing)
6.Crime and Punishment - Dostoevsky (so I can proudly spout witty banter about the book to Nick and this is one of those books everyone knows so much about and says they have read, but never actually read. Kind of like the Communist Manifesto...(ever notice that?))
7.Celistine Prophecy - (i forget who wrote it...redmond or something) anyway I bought it as a gift - I loved the book!

Well, I posted more than I expected to. feel lucky.

The unread English teacher

I registered for classes a few days ago. Over the course of two days, I made 4 trips to the Admissions office, 3 to the Registrars, 2 to the financial aid, 3 to the Cashiers, and 3 to the bookstore. All that included my best flirty “just get this done for me because I am cute” attitude AND I promised William (Bill) from Financial Aid that I would buy him a pizza sometime for lunch.

The good news: I am now enrolled in college (again.) So let me just take a second to piss all over the stereo type of young single mothers who never go back to school or who stay on welfare to support themselves.

Also, I have discovered I am a heavy loaded semester away from having my Associates Degree in English! How has this happened? I am horrible at spelling and grammar. I **HATE reading (see footnote) and come to think of it, I really know jack about English or anything to do with the surrounding sub English categories.

On the other hand, I have a passion to become some sort of teacher in the Liberal Arts (possibly Literature or some form of writing), letting my ego get away with me to think I have a damn good chance at opening someone’s mind …or leading them to material that will let them open their own.

I can’t believe it. I have a backpack loaded with unnecessary school supplies. I get to have homework and sit in a room with PEERS (possibly even intellectual peers at that) -- And it was all free!! (Bush can kiss my ass, but I still don’t mind taking federal grant money and that extra 400 bucks to “stimulate the economy”) I like to think of it as some kind of sick retribution for the “evil” this country does to the world. But, I will not go into all of that nasty now.

** I am beginning to rethink the whole “hate” reading thing. In the last month I have read (*gasp*) 3-ish books. 1. Celestine Prophecy (rocked my little spiritual world) 2. The Devil wears Prada (a book referred by Glamour…hey the magazine was left on the table at work – I was horridly bored) 3. Over Half way through Mutant Messages from Down Under. Oh my, Miss Lyndsay is reading and educating herself. I love it.

Found some insight. Gonna take a break from this site for awhile.

See you .

Domestic Violence

I don’t talk to the boyfriend about how I am feeling. I get depressed and down and shut everyone off and go to sleep. Last night he was frustrated to the point where he wanted to make me talk to him. He is concerned with how much I sleep (I have been to the doctor countless times to correct the problem, nothing has helped) and the severity of my depression. He wanted to talk about things, he wanted me to open up and tell him everything. There was no way in hell I can/could. I got up and walked away from him. This frustrated him past the point I have ever seen him. I went to the kitchen and he began telling me that I was going to talk to him whether I wanted to or not. I tried to walk away again, but he stopped me by grabbing my arms and pulling me away from the door. I wouldn’t/couldn’t look at him which pissed him off more – he tried to make me look at him. I refused. I tried to get out of the room again. Again he stopped me…I pushed him he pushed me back. I fought him to get out of the damn kitchen, but he won’t let me go. I just wanted to go to bed. I was furious that he wouldn’t let me go. He said that I have walked away from him too many times before when he has tried to talk to me and I wasn’t going to this time. A struggle of yelling, shoving, pushing, crying, a broken vase, bruised arms, and a bruised mind followed. Our son still slept soundly in his room (thank god). Finally he wanted to call my Dad so he could make me sit down and talk things out. He pretended to dial the number…I thought he really had. He called me mom next (for real this time) and while he was talking with her I went out the back door to my car. He had the keys. I grabbed them from him.

To make an even longer story a bit shorter, he left with most of his things to his friend’s house for the night. I called him a few minutes ago. He is going to find a new place to live. He will still be an active part in our son’s life.

I am terrified for my son and I.

blog fart

I have noticed not a whole lot of blogging has been going on around the blogging community lately. All I have to voice right now, are a couple of quotes I found recently. Enjoy.

There is a vitality, a life force, an energy, a quickening, that is translated through you into action, and because there is only one of you in all time, this expression is unique. And if you block it, it will never exist through any other medium and will be lost.
— Martha Graham

Every child is an artist. The problem is how to remain an artist once he grows up.
— Pablo Picasso

Beauty as we feel it is something indescribable; what it is or what it means can never be said.
— George Santayana

Change has a considerable psychological impact on the human mind. To the fearful it is threatening because it means that things may get worse. To the hopeful it is encouraging because things may get better. To the confident it is inspiring because the challenge exists to make things better.
— King Whitney Jr.

When I grow up

I took the Myer Briggs Personality Type Test and I came out with the result:

INFJ which means: Introvert, Intuitive, Feeler, Judger

And the site also gave a brief synopsis : INFJs possess a rich and complicated inner world which they quietly express by caring for others. They are quick to understand people and although they may not express their insights openly, they deeply care about their friends and want the best for them. INFJs need friends who will appreciate their inner depth and share their desire to help others. Without this group, work becomes a lonely place.

As to my career they gave this advice: INFJs are good at communicating concepts and where that is most helpful is in careers such areas as religion, counseling and teaching (especially in drama, art or music).

So, I went to AOL and took a little career assessment test and I am 100 % matched with being an actor and/or performer. This is all fine and dandy except for the fact that out of however many starving actors there are, maybe one of them will sleep with the right person and become famous enough to be considered a C performer. They may star in a toilet paper commercial or have their picture in Cosmo where you can just make out their right arm.

It would be amazing however to do this just do it (not expect to go into it making 50 grand a year) . To have the freedom of being someone else, to live someone else’s life on stage or to witness your audience sit enthralled with your performance. I WOULD LOVE IT. To express thoughts and dive into raw emotion that strikes the soul of humanity! Damnit.

Second on the job list (99%) is an Advertising and Promotions Manager. Job description: “Plan and direct advertising policies and programs to create or promote interest in a product or service for a department, an entire organization, or on an account basis.” Hmmm doesn’t seem too bad. And the pay is way up there. Note to self: look into said career.

3. Artistic Producer *yeah*
4. Petroleum Engineer (umm ok)
5. Marketing Manager (sounds dull)

Unawake
Listed: My recent Dream themes

Last Night’s Synopsis

1. The movie waking life
2. Giving birth to deformed micro tiny kittens
3. Pieces of kitten getting under my finger nails
4. A tiny feather growing out of my (*ahem*) and when I pulled it out, it turned out to be another micro kitty
5. Being at a party (recognizing Cory and Becky)
6. Vaguely remember a bar
7. Humane Society
8. A friendly salt water fish that cost 30.00 bucks – I wanted my uncle to buy it and he said no.
9. I later planned on kidnapping said fish
10. Caged squirrel like creatures that I so wanted to adopt
11. My grandfathers store housing said Humane Society
12. Injured cat ate said friendly fish - I cried hysterically
13. People trying to help caged animals, but hurting them unintentionally
14. Fish out of water, me trying desperately to get them back in water
15. My step mother selling candy
16. Moving back in with my dad
17. Being in my underwear
18. Listening to Tool while moving
19. Unpacking my collection of porcelain horses
20. Old bedrooms at my dads from my childhood
21. Finding a pretty scarf at Wal-Mart for $1.00
22. Silk Scarf had a butterfly on it…I had to wrestle it from another shopper because she wanted it – she was older and fat.
23. Other saltwater fish at Wal-Mart for $5.00 each
24. Going back to school and wanting to use my glue gun to glue neat things onto my binder
25. Toilet lid covers
26. Doug Jones in a leather jacket - looked at my boobs

Ok, so this is about all I can remember from last night…just about every night I have a wide variety of dreamscapes. I think I may be a weird-o.

Yummm

Angelina Jolie ...what can I say...I have a crush. (Did you know she is the U.N. Goodwill Ambassador?) I also have some strange infatuation with Mandy Moore as well. hmmm. (and No I did not stumble out of the rainbow colored closet when you weren't looking) I just think some women are particularly beautiful and have an unusually high amount of sex appeal .) Uh oh, sudden urge to listen my top 5 for the moment:

1. Ms. Jolie
2. Nicole Kidman
3. Mandy Moore (I think her voice just does it for me)
4. Katherine Zeta Jones
5. Katie Holmes

Brotherly love

Ok, so I really never gave much thought to the whole big brother theory. Actually, I have never done any research on it at all. I have heard jokes and comments referring to 1984 and other miscellaneous conspiracy theory books…never anything really solid though. With the passing of the Patriot Act just weeks after September 11, 2001, a second more intrusive act is now being rumored to be circulating around the desks of the big boys.

In my opinion, Ashcroft is using scare tactics to get these draconian acts rushed through the system. It makes me think that maybe they let September 11 happen so they could have reason and purpose for starting conflict and so Americans would be more susceptible to these intrusive laws that invoke our original rights listed in the Constitution.

July 4th...the revolution begins....AGAIN.



Because my country has sold its soul to corporate power
because consumerism has become a national religion
because we have forgotten the true meaning of FREEDOM
and because patriotism now means agreeing with the president
I pledge to do my duty and take my country BACK.



www.unbrandamerica.org

Oedipus rears his ugly head

T and I usually snuggle on the couch for a little bit before he goes to bed at night. He was a tad rambunctious the other evening and wasn’t doing a whole lot of snugglin’. He was climbing over me and happened to squish my breast. He stops. Looks down…and proceeds to bounce it like a ball. After the few initial bounces he gives me one generous and most curious pinch and grab!

The boyfriend bursts out laughing…which makes me laugh. And then I just sit there feeling rather awkward. I sat up and doing what most 1 year olds do, he found something else to peak his interest.

I do not want to teach my son boobs are bad and that you shouldn’t touch them. But….I just don’t know how to go about this little situation. Perhaps and educational video when he gets older? Puppets with atomically correct parts? I am at a loss. This is a first for me.

Its not political or philosophical - it is just another servey.

ANGER

1. Who did you last get angry with? The Boyfriend – I don’t really remember why though.
2. What is your weapon of choice? subtle paybacks and sex
3. Would you hit a member of the opposite sex? I have wanted to just deck someone in the face for awhile now.
5. Who was the last person who got really angry at you? The Boyfriend – I am such a ray of sunshine
6. What is your pet peeve? people that don’t use their turn signals, the sound of tearing paper, ummm?
7. Do you keep grudges, or can you let them go easily - most of the time I hold them for years and years - I guess it just depends on the level of pain that was caused.

GLUTTONY

1. What is your overpriced yuppie beverage of choice? Mocha glaciers …..mmmmmm (from the one and only place from which I was fired)
2. Meat eaters: white meat or dark meat? Vegetarians: Vegan or no? tried the vegetarian thing for awhile, it became too expensive so I eat white meat sometimes
3. What is the greatest amount of alcohol you've had in one sitting/outing/event? not a whole lot, this question should be what is the greatest amount of drugs you have had in one sitting…it would be a lot more interesting.
5. Do you have an issue with your weight? sometimes. I try not to though, I try not to want to look like magazine models.
7. Have you ever looked at a small house pet or child and thought, "LUNCH"? well no, that would just be silly.

LUST

1. How many people have you seen naked (not counting movies/family)? Well I have seen about 10 people naked. but I get kind of silly and I have a hard time directly looking at Penises. Kind of like the Medusa thing. I really can't explain it.
2. How many people have seen YOU naked (not counting physicians/family)? not really sure. I have this odd notion that there is a video camera in the walls of my house. So there could be a lot more people than I actually know of.
3. Have you ever caught yourself staring at the chest/crotch of a member of your gender of choice during a normal conversation? Yes. and when I realize I am doing it, I burst out laughing.
4. Have you "done it"? I have done many things - which IT in particular?
5. What is your favorite body part on a person of your gender of choice? forearm, eyes, and hair
6. Have you ever been propositioned by a prostitute? No, but I thought it might be fun to be one for a night.
7. Have you ever had to get tested for an STD or pregnancy? yes. I had to take the pregnancy test 3 different times because I thought it was lying.

GREED

1. How many credit cards do you own? two. One has Starry Night on it.
2. What's your guilty pleasure store? Von’s Shops, Charlette Russe (sp?), and an expensive hair salon.
3. If you had $1 million, what would you do with it? too many possibilities … Definitely buy a farm though and a horse to go with it.
4. Would you rather be rich, or famous? I would rather be famous – I can help create awareness for causes more easily
5. Would you accept a boring job if it meant you would make megabucks? No. I will not spend 8-10 hours of my day that unhappy.
7. How many cd's do you own ? A lot but hardly any of them work, because they are all out of their cases and put into little piles in sporadic places around my house.

PRIDE

1. What one thing have you done that you're most proud of?I don’t really know. I could say having my son, but then I feel guilty because I think I can be a better mother…and why would I be proud of something I could be better at?
2. What one thing have you done that your parents are most proud of? I think my mom and my dad are proud of my writing. and I know they are proud of their grandson. My dad likes me to sing at family gatherings…
3. What thing would you like to accomplish in your life? whoa. that isn’t just a question I can answer in a few lines.
4. Do you get annoyed by coming in second place? if I feel like I had a real chance to win first, then yes.
6. Have you ever cheated on something to get a higher score? All the way through Accounting & Geometry. Go ahead ask me about triangles – I bet I can’t tell you.
7. What did you do today that you're proud of? forced myself to stay awake?

ENVY

1. What item (or person) of your friends would you most want to have for your own? Nicks social contacts, Jess’s Jim Morrison Tapestry, Nathan – well wait a minute, he is the boyfriend we ‘share’ everything.*smirk* Kisa’s beauty.
2. Who would you want to go on "Trading Spaces" with? A complete stranger. I want a total surprise. or Louie – this guy I met at Chauncey and the only thing he ever talked about was men/sex and how much he wanted a coach purse.
3. If you could be anyone else in the world, who would you be? I would just want to be a cat really.
4. Have you ever been cheated on? mmmmmhmmmmmmmm. (can’t say I have never cheated on anyone though.) I am very ok with open relationships. Sex is just sex. Get over it.
5. Have you ever wished you had a physical feature different from your own? I want green eyes. PIERCING/HYPNOTIC/ALLURING green eyes
6. What inborn trait do you see in others that you wish you had for yourself? more patience and stability
7. Finally, what is your favorite deadly sin? mmmmm Vanity or Lust. It is a toss up.

Listed Version 2.3

1. When eating chocolate cake, I have a craving for lemonade
2. I have to move my feet around to the cool spots in the sheets and flip my pillow over several times before I can sleep.
3. My family is against me getting a new dog – I am taking The boyfriend to go look at one I fell in love with at the Shelter on Sunday.
4. I turn 21 in a month. I went to eat at a bar the other day with my dad and stepmother. They made us move to the family room, where you can’t smoke. My dad commented that we were in “the butthole of the bar”. – Pretty funny stuff coming from your father.
5.I have a brilliant idea for a book. (More details to come later)
6.The puppy that I do not have yet, is tentatively named Nesta.
7.I have lost the inspiration to blog or at least blog something interesting or amusing.
8.Whoever reads this must send me neat things for my birthday. (Cash is accepted)
9.I slept for an hour at work today. – I was paid for that hour.
10.The director of “What Dreams may Come” emailed me back and shattered my hope of the story being based on actual events. But I still hope to correspond with the famous director/producer. Maybe, he will think my life deserves to be made into a movie. Which will ultimately be a Dark Comedy starring Angelina Jolie and Christoper Walken.

When Dreams May Come Alive.

The Boyfriend says I need to write. He surprised me last night, telling me he wishes I would write more. I think I will try to. I didn’t know it mattered to him.

I let go just a tiny bit last night - it surprised me. I didn’t know I could (or allow myself) with him.

He knows of my phobia and fear of death. Well, I suppose it is not so much death. It is the not knowing of what happens after you die. My worst fear that I can fathom would be to die and become nothing. To lose your own sense of self, your memories, and thoughts.

He told me a couple of months ago we should watch What Dreams May Come. I have been avoiding this movie for 4 years and last night we watched it. He has also read the book and commented on how incredible it was for him.

It will seem silly to you now - how a movie can affect someone to the point that they think their life has changed. It was not just the movie though. It was the thought behind the movie. It was the message that hit me with a resounding Peace. It was the fact that he wanted me to see it because he knew. He knew it would help me along with my struggle to face life.

I emailed the Producer of the movie today. Stephen Simon. I wanted to know some basics about how this story evolved. I hope he replies.

Happy Birthday Jess!

Yes, you turn 21 today.

It all starts when you wait to turn 13, then you can’t wait to turn 16, then its 18, and finally you can’t wait to turn 20 effin 1. It is all down hill now love. Congratulations!

It really is sad that you turn 21 earlier than I do. Now you have to face the earth shattering reality that you will not have the privilege of going to the bars with ME on your virginized night out. It is ok, I am sure you will have a mediocre time with someone else.

We went to Elementary School together, I nicknamed you Buffy - I really can’t recall why. You were the first girl in the class to have pubic hair and boobs (not to mention the fist one to tease your hair and tight roll your jeans). In Junior High you were the first of us to have sex and an older boyfriend. This is around the time where we drifted; you became part of the “in” crowd because you ‘gave it up’. Then in high school we were in the same World Civics class and you re-realized how cool I was again. Directly out of High School you lived with me in my first apartment. Oh how lovely it was to have 5-7 people in a one-bedroom apartment at all times (plus an albino ferret named Tenshi). We drank and did all kinds of drugs every night. The police were called on us daily. It was a very good thing that the cop had a crush on my mother. Then…we moved on. Two years later we both had beautiful little boys. We became young (very unplanned) mothers. We now had to grow up.
So these days we chat on the phone about how much our lives are a bore and occasionally we get together. Our babies have playtime together, we let them run naked in the hose outside, looking very white trash-ish. But hey, anything that makes them happy and not WHINING. We love our babies and their little sloppy kisses. We hate our bodies and stretch marks. We do not like sex all that much anymore and we laugh at how sexually frustrated our significant others get. One thing has constantly stayed the same through the entire time - We can still make each other laugh until we pee and we still have had the innate way of understanding each other.

I love you ! xoxooxxo Have a WONDERFUL and SLAP STICK DRUNK day.

Signs of the End

Seasons are changing, Wars are abundant (especially in the ‘Holy Land’), incurable diseases are spreading, and humanity has long since been faltering - And now this.
I am a worrier; this is what I do best. It doesn’t help that this sort of thing has been predicted for years (and just about every new year there is some hype of the new year being the ‘one’.) Nostradamas and Revelations both talk of these events leading up to Armageddon or ‘judgment day’. Now, I don’t know how reputable either of these sources are but I do know the planet can not exist forever. It is just not probable. It is just the matter when it will cease to exist that worries me.

(upon looking up information on this subject I stummbled across this site - which really kind of disturbed me. ) Oh so lovely...

ET can go right back home

I came home from work one day with this on my computer. Apparently, the boyfriend thought we needed an ‘at home’ tool to help scientists and researchers search for Extraterrestrial life. Now, if I even see the cover art for an alien movie (especially fire in the sky – which I have not and never will see) I will have traumatic nightmares followed by nights lying awake with fear that comes a close second to paralysis. So he is gone one Friday night and I am lying on the couch just lounging and relaxing. The ET screen saver thing comes up and it looks like it normally does. Then the little radio waves start going berserk and the screen starts acting funny. I thought I was going to pee right then and there. Evidently the computer just locked up or there was a bug in the program. I still won’t let him put the thing back up on screen saver mode though…it frightens me.

duck and run

The boyfriend and I were in Walmart the other day. We really didn’t have a purpose for going, I think he needed socks. Anyway, we found ourselves in the toy section and we started browsing for new trinkets for Tristen. A girl walks by with a (live) baby duck in her arms. I melt and turn instantly my eyes locked onto them. I ran after her and reached out without asking and pet the ‘lil duck, nearly saturating them with Elmira-esk drool. I asked her what she was doing with it and she said it just claimed her and that if she leaves it at home it will ‘scream’. I nod still petting it and she (nicely) moves away and continues on. I am heartbroken.

I am now prepared to leap over stands of over-sized bouncy balls and over priced Elmo dolls to dive tackle this girl and steal her baby duck.

The boyfriend asks me what else I want before we leave. I fume and pout and whine. “I want a damn baby duck” I am ever so serious.

We leave the store, no new baby duck, and outside of Walmart there is a pond where one can often see ducks swimming in the highly polluted water. I imagined myself out there and stumbling across a lone baby duckling that instantly needs my love and aid. Yes, I would save it from the wrath of the cruel word. I would mother it and buy a large purse and take it with me to work and let everyone gush over how odd and sweet it is.

“What are you thinking about?” the boyfriend asks as we drive out of town. “I want a baby duck.” I say rather harshly and upset. He sighs. I just know he is wondering how long it will take me to get off the baby duck idea.

just so i can have the satisfaction of knowing I posted something this week...


if you get bored...read this...it is funny/interesting. (true porn clerk stories)

Hi, I am HIV Positive…wanna fuck?

I mistakenly went out to a small get together last night.

Shortly after arriving, fellow partygoers were gathering in the living room preparing to watch a short video. The viewing of said video was halted when we walked in…there are more people now…must get more beer. So, it was off to the nearest liquor store and then a quick trip to the VP for some Styrofoam cups – the room was now sparsely occupied with a few people awaiting their drunkenness. Upon their absence the video was anxiously waiting to be played – it started without them.

Now before the play button was pushed my boyfriend had asked very apprehensively if this video had anything sexual in it. (We had previous knowledge of a certain distasteful video being passed around and we weren’t about to sit and watch it) The owner and maker of said video said with a greasy smile “not really” or something to the extent of “not that bad”.

I didn’t watch the entire video.

The first thing you hear is Nine Inch Nails and it cuts into a negative scene of two people on a bed proactively rubbing each other, specifically the guy rubbing his penis on/in the woman. With lyrics blaring in the background " i am every fucking thing and just a little more
i sold my soul but don't you dare call me a whore
and when i suck you off not a drop will go to waste
it's really not so bad you know once you get past the taste “

It seemed like hours before I could get up – maybe I sat there for an entire minute before I fled to the porch for a cigarette along with another distraught friend. Shortly after my boyfriend comes in with this look of disgust and anger dripping off his face. “What else was on the tape?”, I had to ask…I didn’t really want to know, but then again I really did.

Now before I spew the rest of the story, let me just give you the reason why we were all freaked out and in shock. It is not that we are anti-porn or anti seeing naked people in a fucked up video. The cruelty and pure disgusting truth of the situation is that the maker/director/star of this video had confided in my boyfriend that he had recently tested positive for HIV.

“So…what else was on the video?”, I was starring at him already half sick to my stomach. “He had a white tank top on with big black letters on the front H I V and he turns around and there is a big positive sign – He was proud of the fact he may have just given this girl HIV.”

There are other videos I am a sure, other woman, other lives being ruined.

OH MY GOD. What can I DO?

I have had some very tough issues about writing this and posting this story. 1. I am now putting myself in/or having something to do with the situation. 2. Obviously this guy has some major issues and may just be a little insane 3. I do not want to put my family in jeopardy for sticking my nose where it doesn’t belong. 4. I am sure many people will wish I hadn’t.

I don’t think I can allow myself to be censored on this. No. I won’t. I am positive people will not appreciate my large obtrusive mouth. I don’t care. This is wrong and I am not about to sit back and let everyone think it is OK.

if anyone knows how to publish from Front page while using blogger, let me know ASAP . I just spent hours making a new most lovely new template and I can't figure out how to publish it. I mean, I know how to copy the HTML, but it will just take awhile (hours) to edit it and get all the bugs out. If anyone can help me out lemme know!

.

Quote of the Day (#2)

"A mother's love for her child is like nothing else in the world. It knows no law, no pity, it dares all things and crushes down remorselessly all that stands in its path."
— Agatha Christie

You better believe it too. I know this from first hand experience...if something triggers an alarm in me when it comes to Tristen. Look out...

Quote of the Day

"Better to write for yourself and have no public, than to write for the public and have no self."

The Leaves of the Shepherdess

Glued, I was pasted onto this frightening construction papered alter reality, I laughed my way into it.
All I wanted was him - so I could be reassured I existed. Holding onto his gray hooded sweatshirt, I hid. Only to open my eyes to find out I was still stuck and spinning in the mind sequence of someone who has Multiple Personality Disorder. Right, this is made up because this experience is just like that movie with John Cusack. It was Groundhog Day revisited, slapped with some tension and terror that you know you are dreaming but you wake up thinking you have finally dug yourself out of this alter reality – realizing that is exactly how you thought you woke up last time. So AGAIN terror washes over me and I scream babbling and terrified that I am doomed to stay in this loop. I thought for sure I had found my way out of it this time oh god…this is never going to end. I try to breath to focus and remember that it is just a dream – soon I can wake up – IF I CAN ONLY STOP THE PERPETUAL LOOP OF MY LIFE…still clinging to his gray sweatshirt, I wake up again. This time for real (I think).
He smiled at me “Hey Baby”.

Final farewell to a lingering disillusioned dream

I think we both can come to a plateau of understanding in the fact that we both think of each other as someone particularly special. We both think of the other as someone who can give the world an amazing amount of insight and excellence. – just not so much for each other because it tends to create more negative things than good. We can leave it at that. Leave things with the knowing that we will be fine. And have nice lives.
Not to mention have some sort of misshapen and painful closure all wrapped up in a lil gift-wrapped box.

Sometimes He calls me:
~ ‘Baby doll’ when he asks me how my day was or if he thinks something is wrong
~ ‘Hon’ when he didn’t here me say something
~ ‘Babe’ when he needs to ask me something
~ ‘Mom’ when asking something in reference to our son
~ ‘Beautiful’ mostly late at night, but sometimes in greeting or just at random
~ ‘Sunshine’ in the mornings when I am full of grouchiness
~ ‘Dear’ when he wants to be sarcastic around our friends
~ ‘Baby’ is always said soft-spoken


I love them all.

I hate to post such mushy little things. Especially, when single people read it and roll their eyes or just stop mid way through knowing the rest might just make them vomit. But, All I have to say is: HA HA. Because when you slip and fall into happiness it is so very hard not to shout to everyone about it.
I received a fabulous post card once - it gave some great advice. “Be one of those annoying couples you see.”
I intend to.

Listed
When the power of your voice fades, your self-assured motivation to be profound dwindles, and classic signs of writers block start to creep in – this is when you open up the Blogger browser and try to be brilliant. Damn. Ms. Lauren says to List things when you get stumped on a blogging subject. So here goes.

1. I keep pinching people when they make me a teeny bit irritated

2. I still have not discovered why I keeping checking other women out – constantly

3. Last night I wondered if someone could stay alive in a confined space with adequate water and medical care…the only real stipulation is that they have to eat their own flesh for food.

4. In the same sequence of thought - I began to wonder if I could do this. I came to the conclusion that I could not.

5. In the near future I would like to be hypnotized for reasons that would take too long to list.

6. I have grown addicted to my son’s slobbery kisses. They make me feel all slovenly and nice.

7. I am terribly excited about going back to college in August. I want to be stressed out over an exam, to have peers and lovely teachers that don’t give a shit; I may even be so tempted to pass a note during a lecture. – Oh god

8. I am disappointed in myself for not keeping up-to-date on worldly and political issues.

9. My kitten/cat keeps bringing me little rodents. Sometimes they are alive sometimes they are chewed in half laying in front of the door. I am having extreme issues over this. I try to save the ones she doesn’t kill….Tom was beautiful and I miss him.(the baby field mouse with the hurt paw)
9.b (have I mentioned I haven’t eaten any meat for a month or two? – cept for fish)

10. Tristen has new Batman pjs. A Velcro CAPE included. Oh I so want some of my own. (his Nana gave them to him, she spoils him a lot)

The Expiration

So, so breake off this last lamenting kisse,
Which sucks two soules, and vapors Both away,
Turne thou ghost that way, and let mee turne this,
And let our selves benight our happiest day,
We ask'd none leave to love; nor will we owe
Any, so cheape a death, as saying, Goe;

Goe; and if that word have not quite kil'd thee,
Ease mee with death, by bidding mee goe too.
Oh, if it have, let my word worke on mee,
And a just office on a murderer doe.
Except it be too late, to kill me so,
Being double dead, going, and bidding, goe.

by: J.D.

Google is a privacy time bomb:

I just found out (courtesy of this site.) that Google (who is a major affiliate with Blogger) has gone along with the whole bandwagon of Homeland Security/Big Brotherish/whatever you wish to call it (not really surprising). It really does not bother me, I just found it interesting and I know of some people who this would probably piss off. read more about it.

Time for a change
Lauren if you are reading this (or anyone else that is feeling up for a challenge), I need your assistence! I tried, oh my I have tried all day long to get this lil template to look right. HEEEEEEEELP!

someone?

any suggestions for a background?

NOTICE: this site will be underconstruction daily, because I have nothing better to do at work.

3 way

Three 20’sish women coworkers, a ton of Fazoli’s carryout, and a lunch hour – the topic of sex can and will be brought up. For the most part of our very hot lunch hour conversation I sat silent adding in a little giggle and a head nod here and there. Coworker #1 has a boyfriend that has not been circumcised. Coworker #2 is married to a ‘well hung’ Latino from some country that starts with an E. Coworker #3 (would be me) is trying desperately to find her place in this suedo relationship she has unabashedly fallen in…hanging desperately on the edge of singleness.

I thought I was sexually experienced. Given the fact that I have only had one boyfriend that has been more than willing to try to ‘broaden my horizons’ in the new erotic love category. My confidence in my own sexual experience was shattered in one 30-minute conversation. Eyes wide and my jaw left open I listened to #1 speak of her weekend of tabooed orgasmic pleasure, that made my little romp in the naughty seem bashfully prudent. #2 chimes in about her married life, which seems to exceed way above the typical ‘no sex’ style of most marriages and how she has to wipe down any and all flat surfaces in her apartment before they have company. They both talk about things that make me blush.

Of course, that Space Cowboy song makes me blush with the line “I really love your peaches, want to shake your trees”. So obviously it doesn’t take a whole lot.

With all this said, I can honestly say this does not bother me (that much). I am just very surprised with myself. The topic of (tabooed-ish) sex has always held my interest for a little longer than expected. I like to grill people that tend to have more of a risqué sex life than I do. I can sit for hours taking in all the information they are willing to give. You would think I would frequent porn sites and such. But honestly, I have only been to one. Sexual freedom and sexuality can be just as confusing as it is fun.

Yeah, Kind of like that.
I’m finished now - Done with hanging hope on the doornail of a dream. I can’t feel like this for another second. Agape isn’t all it is cracked up to be. Just a bunch of philosophical bullshit really. Because anyone that had that type of Love….to love through Philia, Eros, and to crash into Agape, would seemingly never let it go. How could you? It is not like it happens every lifetime. It is not like it happens every 100 lifetimes! I think I am fine though - Like fucking sand.