Yeah, Kind of like that.
I’m finished now - Done with hanging hope on the doornail of a dream. I can’t feel like this for another second. Agape isn’t all it is cracked up to be. Just a bunch of philosophical bullshit really. Because anyone that had that type of Love….to love through Philia, Eros, and to crash into Agape, would seemingly never let it go. How could you? It is not like it happens every lifetime. It is not like it happens every 100 lifetimes! I think I am fine though - Like fucking sand.

I would like to note that I have not eaten any meat in the last 2-2.5 weeks. Having been around non meat eaters off and on for the last 2 years has had its effect on my views. Now I just can't stomach it anymore. And on doing some research I have become quite proud at the fact that I don't support the demand for it. yeah me!

Lilacs are in bloom again. *score* I have this intense propensity for stealing them.
I have sudden insane desires to stalk houses with lilac trees and wait for the perfect time to leap out of my car and deflower the entire thing.
It was raining the other day and my first thought was, mmmmmmm rain kissed lilacs. I think this is turning into a slight obsession. I may need counseling especially because the flowers do not stay in bloom for very long at all. I will suffer weeks of depression because of this.
Maybe it is because the smell is considered an aphrodisiac…I have no idea why I love them as I do. Tomorrow I shall fill my entire house (every room) with lilacs.

This is the closest thing I could find (mind you I didn't look too hard) to finding an independent source for information on what is going on in Iraq. Back in Iraq I read through some of it and found it to be very informative but also a little too vague.

Some people are interesting even if they don't read Tom Stoppard, well even if they don't have a clue as to who Tom Stoppard is.

We need to talk

I’m not mad. Just ... disappointed. • Because you had me fooled. Oh but you laid on the chivalry at first: the grain buffets, the hey-Martha vistas, the Socratic walks. I thought we had an understanding. • Then, boom, it was into the truck and off to Colorado with ten thousand of my closest friends. • You switched off your compassion, which surprised me. You forgot I was a living thing, not a harvestable resource, generic, portable, limitless. You thought you could escape scot-free. • Oops. • BSE, FMD, E-coli 0157:H7. These are just fancy names for karma. • Another chance? You’ll put things right? • Oh. Please. Stop it. You’re killing me.

(again compliments of Adbusters)

(be sure to scroll down and look at the left hand side of the screen. I found a website that is keeping legitimate track of civilian causalities in Iraq.)

"What do you get when you put American psychiatry, drug companies, the FDA, and the Bush administration all together in the same room? You get a whole lot of madness that’s what. At the center of all this madness are Prozac, Zoloft and Paxil." (I have been on 2 of the 3)

When Zoloft user Victor Motus shot and killed himself, Bill Clinton was President and a lawyer named Daniel Troy was suing the FDA on behalf of Zoloft’s manufacturer, Pfizer. By the time the Motus case went to trial in a wrongful death suit, George Bush was President and Daniel E. Troy had been appointed Chief Legal Counsel for the FDA.

"Living up to the title The Lilly Suicides, Eli Lilly, maker of Prozac, remains the target of product liability actions asserting that selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors (SSRIs) can produce agitation, violence, and suicide."

"A number of civil actions, including some class-action suits, have made the case that terminating one’s use of SSRIs can have severe and dangerous physical and psychological consequences, including nausea, dizziness, sleep disturbances, and agitation. These consequences can make it very difficult for an individual to discontinue the drug, thereby creating a physical dependence on it. Moreover, a 1997 report by the World Health Organization shows how GSK’s Paxil appears to be especially problematic in this regard. "

Get the full story here (compliments of adbuster)

Remembered the Missing
Sandalwood and sweat cloud my judgment
No sleep and long talks keep me vulnerable
Trust and Need flood in from a fresh wound
Child laughter and tears stir motivation
Comfort in being comfortable lulls me to sleep
Resistance against pious assumptions from many

*~ little bit of my last couple of days.

a ripple in still water. - echos through to oceans.

For the last year I have openly announced my pain and anger towards my son’s father. The fact that he could not bring himself to take on the responsibilities and sacrifices that our child would bring.
Three days ago, my (13 month old) son finally met his father for the first time. In that instant any grudge, feelings of betrayal, and pain I had stored away, locked in some seeping wound, seemed to fade out of me as I watched tears of regret and sorrow fall from his father’s eyes. I have no idea how I can forgive him so easily. By no means is he justified for the year of absence and broken promises he so easily gave to us.
I just want to concentrate on the present time, not making up for the past, but simply moving on and trying to embrace the future with hope and trust. Most everyone around me has his or her opinion about this situation. More often than not they think I am making a horrible mistake. – I don’t care. I am doing what I think is best for my family. I am putting my son and I out on a faltering limb of trust. I am, for once, putting faith in something that I have that unrelenting fear of ‘not knowing’ why I should. This faith is undeserved. I know this. I just can’t ‘Do unto others as they have been done to you”. This is not an eye for an eye type of world – at least not the world I chose to surround myself with. The world I believe in does not need justifications to that extent. There are such things as (huge) mistakes, ultimate betrayal, lack of humanity, etc. Just as there is undeniable compassion, understanding (even if it hurts), gaining knowledge to be able to close your eyes to blame and pointing fingers – just so you can open them to forgiveness and an unknown source of hope.

I have my doubts and suspicions that he, may still, let us down - shatter that trust again and tear open the scare tissue of hatred. I am not going to let that stop me from what I think is going to be best for my son. The latter of the two options on how this will end is worth the risk.

- Just like the bottom of Pandora’s Box…underneath the crap of the world is Hope.

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