Domestic Violence
I don’t talk to the boyfriend about how I am feeling. I get depressed and down and shut everyone off and go to sleep. Last night he was frustrated to the point where he wanted to make me talk to him. He is concerned with how much I sleep (I have been to the doctor countless times to correct the problem, nothing has helped) and the severity of my depression. He wanted to talk about things, he wanted me to open up and tell him everything. There was no way in hell I can/could. I got up and walked away from him. This frustrated him past the point I have ever seen him. I went to the kitchen and he began telling me that I was going to talk to him whether I wanted to or not. I tried to walk away again, but he stopped me by grabbing my arms and pulling me away from the door. I wouldn’t/couldn’t look at him which pissed him off more – he tried to make me look at him. I refused. I tried to get out of the room again. Again he stopped me…I pushed him he pushed me back. I fought him to get out of the damn kitchen, but he won’t let me go. I just wanted to go to bed. I was furious that he wouldn’t let me go. He said that I have walked away from him too many times before when he has tried to talk to me and I wasn’t going to this time. A struggle of yelling, shoving, pushing, crying, a broken vase, bruised arms, and a bruised mind followed. Our son still slept soundly in his room (thank god). Finally he wanted to call my Dad so he could make me sit down and talk things out. He pretended to dial the number…I thought he really had. He called me mom next (for real this time) and while he was talking with her I went out the back door to my car. He had the keys. I grabbed them from him.
To make an even longer story a bit shorter, he left with most of his things to his friend’s house for the night. I called him a few minutes ago. He is going to find a new place to live. He will still be an active part in our son’s life.
I am terrified for my son and I.
Saturday, July 26
Friday, July 25
blog fart
I have noticed not a whole lot of blogging has been going on around the blogging community lately. All I have to voice right now, are a couple of quotes I found recently. Enjoy.
There is a vitality, a life force, an energy, a quickening, that is translated through you into action, and because there is only one of you in all time, this expression is unique. And if you block it, it will never exist through any other medium and will be lost.
— Martha Graham
Every child is an artist. The problem is how to remain an artist once he grows up.
— Pablo Picasso
Beauty as we feel it is something indescribable; what it is or what it means can never be said.
— George Santayana
Change has a considerable psychological impact on the human mind. To the fearful it is threatening because it means that things may get worse. To the hopeful it is encouraging because things may get better. To the confident it is inspiring because the challenge exists to make things better.
— King Whitney Jr.
I have noticed not a whole lot of blogging has been going on around the blogging community lately. All I have to voice right now, are a couple of quotes I found recently. Enjoy.
There is a vitality, a life force, an energy, a quickening, that is translated through you into action, and because there is only one of you in all time, this expression is unique. And if you block it, it will never exist through any other medium and will be lost.
— Martha Graham
Every child is an artist. The problem is how to remain an artist once he grows up.
— Pablo Picasso
Beauty as we feel it is something indescribable; what it is or what it means can never be said.
— George Santayana
Change has a considerable psychological impact on the human mind. To the fearful it is threatening because it means that things may get worse. To the hopeful it is encouraging because things may get better. To the confident it is inspiring because the challenge exists to make things better.
— King Whitney Jr.
Friday, July 18
When I grow up
I took the Myer Briggs Personality Type Test and I came out with the result:
INFJ which means: Introvert, Intuitive, Feeler, Judger
And the site also gave a brief synopsis : INFJs possess a rich and complicated inner world which they quietly express by caring for others. They are quick to understand people and although they may not express their insights openly, they deeply care about their friends and want the best for them. INFJs need friends who will appreciate their inner depth and share their desire to help others. Without this group, work becomes a lonely place.
As to my career they gave this advice: INFJs are good at communicating concepts and where that is most helpful is in careers such areas as religion, counseling and teaching (especially in drama, art or music).
So, I went to AOL and took a little career assessment test and I am 100 % matched with being an actor and/or performer. This is all fine and dandy except for the fact that out of however many starving actors there are, maybe one of them will sleep with the right person and become famous enough to be considered a C performer. They may star in a toilet paper commercial or have their picture in Cosmo where you can just make out their right arm.
It would be amazing however to do this just do it (not expect to go into it making 50 grand a year) . To have the freedom of being someone else, to live someone else’s life on stage or to witness your audience sit enthralled with your performance. I WOULD LOVE IT. To express thoughts and dive into raw emotion that strikes the soul of humanity! Damnit.
Second on the job list (99%) is an Advertising and Promotions Manager. Job description: “Plan and direct advertising policies and programs to create or promote interest in a product or service for a department, an entire organization, or on an account basis.” Hmmm doesn’t seem too bad. And the pay is way up there. Note to self: look into said career.
3. Artistic Producer *yeah*
4. Petroleum Engineer (umm ok)
5. Marketing Manager (sounds dull)
I took the Myer Briggs Personality Type Test and I came out with the result:
INFJ which means: Introvert, Intuitive, Feeler, Judger
And the site also gave a brief synopsis : INFJs possess a rich and complicated inner world which they quietly express by caring for others. They are quick to understand people and although they may not express their insights openly, they deeply care about their friends and want the best for them. INFJs need friends who will appreciate their inner depth and share their desire to help others. Without this group, work becomes a lonely place.
As to my career they gave this advice: INFJs are good at communicating concepts and where that is most helpful is in careers such areas as religion, counseling and teaching (especially in drama, art or music).
So, I went to AOL and took a little career assessment test and I am 100 % matched with being an actor and/or performer. This is all fine and dandy except for the fact that out of however many starving actors there are, maybe one of them will sleep with the right person and become famous enough to be considered a C performer. They may star in a toilet paper commercial or have their picture in Cosmo where you can just make out their right arm.
It would be amazing however to do this just do it (not expect to go into it making 50 grand a year) . To have the freedom of being someone else, to live someone else’s life on stage or to witness your audience sit enthralled with your performance. I WOULD LOVE IT. To express thoughts and dive into raw emotion that strikes the soul of humanity! Damnit.
Second on the job list (99%) is an Advertising and Promotions Manager. Job description: “Plan and direct advertising policies and programs to create or promote interest in a product or service for a department, an entire organization, or on an account basis.” Hmmm doesn’t seem too bad. And the pay is way up there. Note to self: look into said career.
3. Artistic Producer *yeah*
4. Petroleum Engineer (umm ok)
5. Marketing Manager (sounds dull)
Saturday, July 12
Unawake
Listed: My recent Dream themes
Last Night’s Synopsis
1. The movie waking life
2. Giving birth to deformed micro tiny kittens
3. Pieces of kitten getting under my finger nails
4. A tiny feather growing out of my (*ahem*) and when I pulled it out, it turned out to be another micro kitty
5. Being at a party (recognizing Cory and Becky)
6. Vaguely remember a bar
7. Humane Society
8. A friendly salt water fish that cost 30.00 bucks – I wanted my uncle to buy it and he said no.
9. I later planned on kidnapping said fish
10. Caged squirrel like creatures that I so wanted to adopt
11. My grandfathers store housing said Humane Society
12. Injured cat ate said friendly fish - I cried hysterically
13. People trying to help caged animals, but hurting them unintentionally
14. Fish out of water, me trying desperately to get them back in water
15. My step mother selling candy
16. Moving back in with my dad
17. Being in my underwear
18. Listening to Tool while moving
19. Unpacking my collection of porcelain horses
20. Old bedrooms at my dads from my childhood
21. Finding a pretty scarf at Wal-Mart for $1.00
22. Silk Scarf had a butterfly on it…I had to wrestle it from another shopper because she wanted it – she was older and fat.
23. Other saltwater fish at Wal-Mart for $5.00 each
24. Going back to school and wanting to use my glue gun to glue neat things onto my binder
25. Toilet lid covers
26. Doug Jones in a leather jacket - looked at my boobs
Ok, so this is about all I can remember from last night…just about every night I have a wide variety of dreamscapes. I think I may be a weird-o.
Listed: My recent Dream themes
Last Night’s Synopsis
1. The movie waking life
2. Giving birth to deformed micro tiny kittens
3. Pieces of kitten getting under my finger nails
4. A tiny feather growing out of my (*ahem*) and when I pulled it out, it turned out to be another micro kitty
5. Being at a party (recognizing Cory and Becky)
6. Vaguely remember a bar
7. Humane Society
8. A friendly salt water fish that cost 30.00 bucks – I wanted my uncle to buy it and he said no.
9. I later planned on kidnapping said fish
10. Caged squirrel like creatures that I so wanted to adopt
11. My grandfathers store housing said Humane Society
12. Injured cat ate said friendly fish - I cried hysterically
13. People trying to help caged animals, but hurting them unintentionally
14. Fish out of water, me trying desperately to get them back in water
15. My step mother selling candy
16. Moving back in with my dad
17. Being in my underwear
18. Listening to Tool while moving
19. Unpacking my collection of porcelain horses
20. Old bedrooms at my dads from my childhood
21. Finding a pretty scarf at Wal-Mart for $1.00
22. Silk Scarf had a butterfly on it…I had to wrestle it from another shopper because she wanted it – she was older and fat.
23. Other saltwater fish at Wal-Mart for $5.00 each
24. Going back to school and wanting to use my glue gun to glue neat things onto my binder
25. Toilet lid covers
26. Doug Jones in a leather jacket - looked at my boobs
Ok, so this is about all I can remember from last night…just about every night I have a wide variety of dreamscapes. I think I may be a weird-o.
Friday, July 11
Yummm
Angelina Jolie ...what can I say...I have a crush. (Did you know she is the U.N. Goodwill Ambassador?) I also have some strange infatuation with Mandy Moore as well. hmmm. (and No I did not stumble out of the rainbow colored closet when you weren't looking) I just think some women are particularly beautiful and have an unusually high amount of sex appeal .) Uh oh, sudden urge to listen my top 5 for the moment:
1. Ms. Jolie
2. Nicole Kidman
3. Mandy Moore (I think her voice just does it for me)
4. Katherine Zeta Jones
5. Katie Holmes
Angelina Jolie ...what can I say...I have a crush. (Did you know she is the U.N. Goodwill Ambassador?) I also have some strange infatuation with Mandy Moore as well. hmmm. (and No I did not stumble out of the rainbow colored closet when you weren't looking) I just think some women are particularly beautiful and have an unusually high amount of sex appeal .) Uh oh, sudden urge to listen my top 5 for the moment:
1. Ms. Jolie
2. Nicole Kidman
3. Mandy Moore (I think her voice just does it for me)
4. Katherine Zeta Jones
5. Katie Holmes
Monday, July 7
Brotherly love
Ok, so I really never gave much thought to the whole big brother theory. Actually, I have never done any research on it at all. I have heard jokes and comments referring to 1984 and other miscellaneous conspiracy theory books…never anything really solid though. With the passing of the Patriot Act just weeks after September 11, 2001, a second more intrusive act is now being rumored to be circulating around the desks of the big boys.
In my opinion, Ashcroft is using scare tactics to get these draconian acts rushed through the system. It makes me think that maybe they let September 11 happen so they could have reason and purpose for starting conflict and so Americans would be more susceptible to these intrusive laws that invoke our original rights listed in the Constitution.
Ok, so I really never gave much thought to the whole big brother theory. Actually, I have never done any research on it at all. I have heard jokes and comments referring to 1984 and other miscellaneous conspiracy theory books…never anything really solid though. With the passing of the Patriot Act just weeks after September 11, 2001, a second more intrusive act is now being rumored to be circulating around the desks of the big boys.
In my opinion, Ashcroft is using scare tactics to get these draconian acts rushed through the system. It makes me think that maybe they let September 11 happen so they could have reason and purpose for starting conflict and so Americans would be more susceptible to these intrusive laws that invoke our original rights listed in the Constitution.
Friday, July 4
July 4th...the revolution begins....AGAIN.
Because my country has sold its soul to corporate power
because consumerism has become a national religion
because we have forgotten the true meaning of FREEDOM
and because patriotism now means agreeing with the president
I pledge to do my duty and take my country BACK.
www.unbrandamerica.org
Because my country has sold its soul to corporate power
because consumerism has become a national religion
because we have forgotten the true meaning of FREEDOM
and because patriotism now means agreeing with the president
I pledge to do my duty and take my country BACK.
www.unbrandamerica.org
Thursday, July 3
Oedipus rears his ugly head
T and I usually snuggle on the couch for a little bit before he goes to bed at night. He was a tad rambunctious the other evening and wasn’t doing a whole lot of snugglin’. He was climbing over me and happened to squish my breast. He stops. Looks down…and proceeds to bounce it like a ball. After the few initial bounces he gives me one generous and most curious pinch and grab!
The boyfriend bursts out laughing…which makes me laugh. And then I just sit there feeling rather awkward. I sat up and doing what most 1 year olds do, he found something else to peak his interest.
I do not want to teach my son boobs are bad and that you shouldn’t touch them. But….I just don’t know how to go about this little situation. Perhaps and educational video when he gets older? Puppets with atomically correct parts? I am at a loss. This is a first for me.
T and I usually snuggle on the couch for a little bit before he goes to bed at night. He was a tad rambunctious the other evening and wasn’t doing a whole lot of snugglin’. He was climbing over me and happened to squish my breast. He stops. Looks down…and proceeds to bounce it like a ball. After the few initial bounces he gives me one generous and most curious pinch and grab!
The boyfriend bursts out laughing…which makes me laugh. And then I just sit there feeling rather awkward. I sat up and doing what most 1 year olds do, he found something else to peak his interest.
I do not want to teach my son boobs are bad and that you shouldn’t touch them. But….I just don’t know how to go about this little situation. Perhaps and educational video when he gets older? Puppets with atomically correct parts? I am at a loss. This is a first for me.
Wednesday, July 2
Its not political or philosophical - it is just another servey.
ANGER
1. Who did you last get angry with? The Boyfriend – I don’t really remember why though.
2. What is your weapon of choice? subtle paybacks and sex
3. Would you hit a member of the opposite sex? I have wanted to just deck someone in the face for awhile now.
5. Who was the last person who got really angry at you? The Boyfriend – I am such a ray of sunshine
6. What is your pet peeve? people that don’t use their turn signals, the sound of tearing paper, ummm?
7. Do you keep grudges, or can you let them go easily - most of the time I hold them for years and years - I guess it just depends on the level of pain that was caused.
GLUTTONY
1. What is your overpriced yuppie beverage of choice? Mocha glaciers …..mmmmmm (from the one and only place from which I was fired)
2. Meat eaters: white meat or dark meat? Vegetarians: Vegan or no? tried the vegetarian thing for awhile, it became too expensive so I eat white meat sometimes
3. What is the greatest amount of alcohol you've had in one sitting/outing/event? not a whole lot, this question should be what is the greatest amount of drugs you have had in one sitting…it would be a lot more interesting.
5. Do you have an issue with your weight? sometimes. I try not to though, I try not to want to look like magazine models.
7. Have you ever looked at a small house pet or child and thought, "LUNCH"? well no, that would just be silly.
LUST
1. How many people have you seen naked (not counting movies/family)? Well I have seen about 10 people naked. but I get kind of silly and I have a hard time directly looking at Penises. Kind of like the Medusa thing. I really can't explain it.
2. How many people have seen YOU naked (not counting physicians/family)? not really sure. I have this odd notion that there is a video camera in the walls of my house. So there could be a lot more people than I actually know of.
3. Have you ever caught yourself staring at the chest/crotch of a member of your gender of choice during a normal conversation? Yes. and when I realize I am doing it, I burst out laughing.
4. Have you "done it"? I have done many things - which IT in particular?
5. What is your favorite body part on a person of your gender of choice? forearm, eyes, and hair
6. Have you ever been propositioned by a prostitute? No, but I thought it might be fun to be one for a night.
7. Have you ever had to get tested for an STD or pregnancy? yes. I had to take the pregnancy test 3 different times because I thought it was lying.
GREED
1. How many credit cards do you own? two. One has Starry Night on it.
2. What's your guilty pleasure store? Von’s Shops, Charlette Russe (sp?), and an expensive hair salon.
3. If you had $1 million, what would you do with it? too many possibilities … Definitely buy a farm though and a horse to go with it.
4. Would you rather be rich, or famous? I would rather be famous – I can help create awareness for causes more easily
5. Would you accept a boring job if it meant you would make megabucks? No. I will not spend 8-10 hours of my day that unhappy.
7. How many cd's do you own ? A lot but hardly any of them work, because they are all out of their cases and put into little piles in sporadic places around my house.
PRIDE
1. What one thing have you done that you're most proud of?I don’t really know. I could say having my son, but then I feel guilty because I think I can be a better mother…and why would I be proud of something I could be better at?
2. What one thing have you done that your parents are most proud of? I think my mom and my dad are proud of my writing. and I know they are proud of their grandson. My dad likes me to sing at family gatherings…
3. What thing would you like to accomplish in your life? whoa. that isn’t just a question I can answer in a few lines.
4. Do you get annoyed by coming in second place? if I feel like I had a real chance to win first, then yes.
6. Have you ever cheated on something to get a higher score? All the way through Accounting & Geometry. Go ahead ask me about triangles – I bet I can’t tell you.
7. What did you do today that you're proud of? forced myself to stay awake?
ENVY
1. What item (or person) of your friends would you most want to have for your own? Nicks social contacts, Jess’s Jim Morrison Tapestry, Nathan – well wait a minute, he is the boyfriend we ‘share’ everything.*smirk* Kisa’s beauty.
2. Who would you want to go on "Trading Spaces" with? A complete stranger. I want a total surprise. or Louie – this guy I met at Chauncey and the only thing he ever talked about was men/sex and how much he wanted a coach purse.
3. If you could be anyone else in the world, who would you be? I would just want to be a cat really.
4. Have you ever been cheated on? mmmmmhmmmmmmmm. (can’t say I have never cheated on anyone though.) I am very ok with open relationships. Sex is just sex. Get over it.
5. Have you ever wished you had a physical feature different from your own? I want green eyes. PIERCING/HYPNOTIC/ALLURING green eyes
6. What inborn trait do you see in others that you wish you had for yourself? more patience and stability
7. Finally, what is your favorite deadly sin? mmmmm Vanity or Lust. It is a toss up.
ANGER
1. Who did you last get angry with? The Boyfriend – I don’t really remember why though.
2. What is your weapon of choice? subtle paybacks and sex
3. Would you hit a member of the opposite sex? I have wanted to just deck someone in the face for awhile now.
5. Who was the last person who got really angry at you? The Boyfriend – I am such a ray of sunshine
6. What is your pet peeve? people that don’t use their turn signals, the sound of tearing paper, ummm?
7. Do you keep grudges, or can you let them go easily - most of the time I hold them for years and years - I guess it just depends on the level of pain that was caused.
GLUTTONY
1. What is your overpriced yuppie beverage of choice? Mocha glaciers …..mmmmmm (from the one and only place from which I was fired)
2. Meat eaters: white meat or dark meat? Vegetarians: Vegan or no? tried the vegetarian thing for awhile, it became too expensive so I eat white meat sometimes
3. What is the greatest amount of alcohol you've had in one sitting/outing/event? not a whole lot, this question should be what is the greatest amount of drugs you have had in one sitting…it would be a lot more interesting.
5. Do you have an issue with your weight? sometimes. I try not to though, I try not to want to look like magazine models.
7. Have you ever looked at a small house pet or child and thought, "LUNCH"? well no, that would just be silly.
LUST
1. How many people have you seen naked (not counting movies/family)? Well I have seen about 10 people naked. but I get kind of silly and I have a hard time directly looking at Penises. Kind of like the Medusa thing. I really can't explain it.
2. How many people have seen YOU naked (not counting physicians/family)? not really sure. I have this odd notion that there is a video camera in the walls of my house. So there could be a lot more people than I actually know of.
3. Have you ever caught yourself staring at the chest/crotch of a member of your gender of choice during a normal conversation? Yes. and when I realize I am doing it, I burst out laughing.
4. Have you "done it"? I have done many things - which IT in particular?
5. What is your favorite body part on a person of your gender of choice? forearm, eyes, and hair
6. Have you ever been propositioned by a prostitute? No, but I thought it might be fun to be one for a night.
7. Have you ever had to get tested for an STD or pregnancy? yes. I had to take the pregnancy test 3 different times because I thought it was lying.
GREED
1. How many credit cards do you own? two. One has Starry Night on it.
2. What's your guilty pleasure store? Von’s Shops, Charlette Russe (sp?), and an expensive hair salon.
3. If you had $1 million, what would you do with it? too many possibilities … Definitely buy a farm though and a horse to go with it.
4. Would you rather be rich, or famous? I would rather be famous – I can help create awareness for causes more easily
5. Would you accept a boring job if it meant you would make megabucks? No. I will not spend 8-10 hours of my day that unhappy.
7. How many cd's do you own ? A lot but hardly any of them work, because they are all out of their cases and put into little piles in sporadic places around my house.
PRIDE
1. What one thing have you done that you're most proud of?I don’t really know. I could say having my son, but then I feel guilty because I think I can be a better mother…and why would I be proud of something I could be better at?
2. What one thing have you done that your parents are most proud of? I think my mom and my dad are proud of my writing. and I know they are proud of their grandson. My dad likes me to sing at family gatherings…
3. What thing would you like to accomplish in your life? whoa. that isn’t just a question I can answer in a few lines.
4. Do you get annoyed by coming in second place? if I feel like I had a real chance to win first, then yes.
6. Have you ever cheated on something to get a higher score? All the way through Accounting & Geometry. Go ahead ask me about triangles – I bet I can’t tell you.
7. What did you do today that you're proud of? forced myself to stay awake?
ENVY
1. What item (or person) of your friends would you most want to have for your own? Nicks social contacts, Jess’s Jim Morrison Tapestry, Nathan – well wait a minute, he is the boyfriend we ‘share’ everything.*smirk* Kisa’s beauty.
2. Who would you want to go on "Trading Spaces" with? A complete stranger. I want a total surprise. or Louie – this guy I met at Chauncey and the only thing he ever talked about was men/sex and how much he wanted a coach purse.
3. If you could be anyone else in the world, who would you be? I would just want to be a cat really.
4. Have you ever been cheated on? mmmmmhmmmmmmmm. (can’t say I have never cheated on anyone though.) I am very ok with open relationships. Sex is just sex. Get over it.
5. Have you ever wished you had a physical feature different from your own? I want green eyes. PIERCING/HYPNOTIC/ALLURING green eyes
6. What inborn trait do you see in others that you wish you had for yourself? more patience and stability
7. Finally, what is your favorite deadly sin? mmmmm Vanity or Lust. It is a toss up.