waiting for your arrival
Check out Mindy Smith in your furthering music endeavors. She is fantastic artist, In every since of the word artist.
*******
Astranged drunk chick #1 bashed astranged drunk chick #2 on top of the head with a beer bottle Saturday night. I didn't know people still actually did that stuff. You see that type of crap in a movies entitled "Roadhouse". Anyway- I love bartending. I pretend not to notice people and their drunken conversations and read my book.
*********
I wonder if I am the only person that still listens to Hootie. I think so.
**********
Goodnight. love me tomorow.
Monday, July 26
Saturday, July 24
I had just opened up word, and started typing out these words. Words that were spilling from my eyes that let tears splash on my keyboard. I wasn't writing a poem or story. I was just painting a picture of how I felt at that point in time mimicing other points and time that have been known to plague me since I was 9.
tears again tonight. A flood of twisted emotions that shouldn’t be mine but have become me. My being has tried rejecting this façade of experience. Now it has just gotten used to it. Like a stray cat that you do not call ownership of, but you feed every morning and
miss when it has gone. Time is measured by the beat of my heart. Moment here. Moment gone. Moment here. Moment gone. Disparaging whims of what if’s to haunt every decision.
And a friend answered a question I had asked over an hour ago. The quesiton had been: "If I die tomorrow would you come to my funeral." He said to me just now, " If you died tomorrow, years later I would tell your son about your hopes and dreams for him. and that what you died from was sadness over the requirements of happiness."
With this read, I burst into tears and realized that some people do see me or at least they try even though they may not understand what they see, they still love me. ILY.
tears again tonight. A flood of twisted emotions that shouldn’t be mine but have become me. My being has tried rejecting this façade of experience. Now it has just gotten used to it. Like a stray cat that you do not call ownership of, but you feed every morning and
miss when it has gone. Time is measured by the beat of my heart. Moment here. Moment gone. Moment here. Moment gone. Disparaging whims of what if’s to haunt every decision.
And a friend answered a question I had asked over an hour ago. The quesiton had been: "If I die tomorrow would you come to my funeral." He said to me just now, " If you died tomorrow, years later I would tell your son about your hopes and dreams for him. and that what you died from was sadness over the requirements of happiness."
With this read, I burst into tears and realized that some people do see me or at least they try even though they may not understand what they see, they still love me. ILY.
Asthen Kutcher, crappy pizza, and pot.
I rescued Jess from her loser significant other last night. Cowboy came over for a bit too. Come to think of it Cowboy really isn't so much of a Cowboy. He is more of a shy small town guy than a cowboy. I mean, I can out ride him on a horse. Cowboy's should always have excellent riding prowess. It is a rule, you know.
Jack's Pizza really can kiss my ass. I hate that stuff. I mean everyone loves pizza but come on this is like tomato flavored cardboard. I really must learn how to cook. I am 22. It is time.
I am grateful to have met a fellow friend online. Ray. Hello Ray. We have many things to discuss and many endeavours to explore :)
I was late to work this morning. I set my alarm for 7 pm instead of am. I know you have done it too - it is a crappy way to wake up isn't it?
I rescued Jess from her loser significant other last night. Cowboy came over for a bit too. Come to think of it Cowboy really isn't so much of a Cowboy. He is more of a shy small town guy than a cowboy. I mean, I can out ride him on a horse. Cowboy's should always have excellent riding prowess. It is a rule, you know.
Jack's Pizza really can kiss my ass. I hate that stuff. I mean everyone loves pizza but come on this is like tomato flavored cardboard. I really must learn how to cook. I am 22. It is time.
I am grateful to have met a fellow friend online. Ray. Hello Ray. We have many things to discuss and many endeavours to explore :)
I was late to work this morning. I set my alarm for 7 pm instead of am. I know you have done it too - it is a crappy way to wake up isn't it?
Wednesday, July 21
Love and Fear
The part of me that is has to know the part of me that is not. I have to discover the Am not before the I Am. So do you. The universe can not be the universe without the non universe. Simple. This book is opening doors for me :) If I hear one more person say, "well if there was a God then he wouldn't allow such bad things to happen." This statement screams ignorance! Think about it. God does not grant prayers, God does not pick and chose who he will save and who he will not. God does what God has been doing before existance - damn, I hate to cut this short in the middle of thought.
**
More on this later, right now Nathan is online and I must go chat.
The part of me that is has to know the part of me that is not. I have to discover the Am not before the I Am. So do you. The universe can not be the universe without the non universe. Simple. This book is opening doors for me :) If I hear one more person say, "well if there was a God then he wouldn't allow such bad things to happen." This statement screams ignorance! Think about it. God does not grant prayers, God does not pick and chose who he will save and who he will not. God does what God has been doing before existance - damn, I hate to cut this short in the middle of thought.
**
More on this later, right now Nathan is online and I must go chat.
Monday, July 19
rope this
Met a cowboy a few days ago. Went horseback riding with a bunch of cow folk. Drinking beer and siting on top of horse going 2 miles an hour isn't my cup of tea. Doing a shot, and breaking the horse into a gate across 3 miles worth of field is. Went riding today. I smell like sweat, horseshit, and sweet fresh air. Beautiful. I want my farm. My dream. Where marajuina grows wild among all the horses, ducks, goats, kitties, and 2 good 'ol farm dogs – and one rooster. (The pot for the use of making hemp, of course. That stuff is quite useful; you can even make a car out of it)
The cowboy doesn't know what to think of me. He said, "When I first saw you, you looked like you were perfect. I said, "That was your first mistake pal." Your second mistake - thinking that I ever will be. He listed off things that surprised him. You have a tattoo, you like rock music, you smoke, and you say 'fuck'. *gasp* I am not your cowgirl buddy. But, I am a rough hippy bitch who likes to ride.
****
I will be at the your local run down honky tonk tonight. 5 - 3 am - if you walk in I will be blaring MTV - Just to piss the old folks off.
Love your bartender, or she will spit in your drink and give you warm beer. Would you be surprised if I told you I am reading a book entitled: Conversations with God? it is fantastic so far.
Met a cowboy a few days ago. Went horseback riding with a bunch of cow folk. Drinking beer and siting on top of horse going 2 miles an hour isn't my cup of tea. Doing a shot, and breaking the horse into a gate across 3 miles worth of field is. Went riding today. I smell like sweat, horseshit, and sweet fresh air. Beautiful. I want my farm. My dream. Where marajuina grows wild among all the horses, ducks, goats, kitties, and 2 good 'ol farm dogs – and one rooster. (The pot for the use of making hemp, of course. That stuff is quite useful; you can even make a car out of it)
The cowboy doesn't know what to think of me. He said, "When I first saw you, you looked like you were perfect. I said, "That was your first mistake pal." Your second mistake - thinking that I ever will be. He listed off things that surprised him. You have a tattoo, you like rock music, you smoke, and you say 'fuck'. *gasp* I am not your cowgirl buddy. But, I am a rough hippy bitch who likes to ride.
****
I will be at the your local run down honky tonk tonight. 5 - 3 am - if you walk in I will be blaring MTV - Just to piss the old folks off.
Love your bartender, or she will spit in your drink and give you warm beer. Would you be surprised if I told you I am reading a book entitled: Conversations with God? it is fantastic so far.
Saturday, July 17
God.Beer.and inner strength
Hello good people. I live a mad life. This is not a surprising statement for those of you who know me. Since I am a big fan of lists. Let me just do a recap for you.
1. Out of the factory, been bartending at 2 bars (one middle class country club, and one....honky tonk)
2. The police have been to my house to ask me questions about a few patrons (guess from which establishment)
3. A strange man entered my house Wednesday night, slipped into my bedroom at 6 am and proceeded to climb in bed with me. I am absolutely sure I would have been raped if it would have not been for my sister and her boyfriend hearing my screams. They happend to be staying that night. Said man didn't know this.
4. Hmmm. I had other things to list. But the last one is pretty much a post stopper, isn't it?
Hello good people. I live a mad life. This is not a surprising statement for those of you who know me. Since I am a big fan of lists. Let me just do a recap for you.
1. Out of the factory, been bartending at 2 bars (one middle class country club, and one....honky tonk)
2. The police have been to my house to ask me questions about a few patrons (guess from which establishment)
3. A strange man entered my house Wednesday night, slipped into my bedroom at 6 am and proceeded to climb in bed with me. I am absolutely sure I would have been raped if it would have not been for my sister and her boyfriend hearing my screams. They happend to be staying that night. Said man didn't know this.
4. Hmmm. I had other things to list. But the last one is pretty much a post stopper, isn't it?
Monday, July 12
The Metrosexual strikes again
Me: Can you bring me a shirt to wear to work?
Guy: Yeah what type?
Me: Something that goes with my green pants
Guy: Ok.
Later on the ride to work
Me: Do you have any eyeshadow?
Guy says nothing but reaches behind his seat and pulls out a make-up kit.
Me: *gasp*
Guy: Shush.
Me: I love this purple eye shadow! You have got to give me some.
Guy: no way this makeup kit costs 90 bucks!
Guy: you are the second sexiest girl to where that shirt
Me: Were you the first sexiest?
Me: I will blog about this, you know.
Me: Can you bring me a shirt to wear to work?
Guy: Yeah what type?
Me: Something that goes with my green pants
Guy: Ok.
Later on the ride to work
Me: Do you have any eyeshadow?
Guy says nothing but reaches behind his seat and pulls out a make-up kit.
Me: *gasp*
Guy: Shush.
Me: I love this purple eye shadow! You have got to give me some.
Guy: no way this makeup kit costs 90 bucks!
Guy: you are the second sexiest girl to where that shirt
Me: Were you the first sexiest?
Me: I will blog about this, you know.
Friday, July 9
Never try to trick me with a kiss
My inspiration and reminder. Your sight filters through my eyes and into my soul. Travesty is ours my dear. How could you leave knowing your children would scream with your absence? Now you are here, to be a broken crutch. Does it bother you? Of course it does. It makes you want to smile, I am sure of it. My own shadows are restless, waiting to be sewn to the souls of my shoes too.
Mirror
I am silver and exact. I have no preconceptions.
What ever you see I swallow immediately
Just as it is, unmisted by love or dislike.
I am not cruel, only truthful---
The eye of a little god, four-cornered.
Most of the time I meditate on the opposite wall.
It is pink, with speckles. I have looked at it so long
I think it is a part of my heart. But it flickers.
Faces and darkness separate us over and over.
Now I am a lake. A woman bends over me,
Searching my reaches for what she really is.
Then she turns to those liars, the candles or the moon.
I see her back, and reflect it faithfully.
She rewards me with tears and an agitation of hands.
I am important to her. She comes and goes.
Each morning it is her face that replaces the darkness.
In me she has drowned a young girl, and in me an old woman
Rises toward her day after day, like a terrible fish.
By Sylvia Plath
My inspiration and reminder. Your sight filters through my eyes and into my soul. Travesty is ours my dear. How could you leave knowing your children would scream with your absence? Now you are here, to be a broken crutch. Does it bother you? Of course it does. It makes you want to smile, I am sure of it. My own shadows are restless, waiting to be sewn to the souls of my shoes too.
Mirror
I am silver and exact. I have no preconceptions.
What ever you see I swallow immediately
Just as it is, unmisted by love or dislike.
I am not cruel, only truthful---
The eye of a little god, four-cornered.
Most of the time I meditate on the opposite wall.
It is pink, with speckles. I have looked at it so long
I think it is a part of my heart. But it flickers.
Faces and darkness separate us over and over.
Now I am a lake. A woman bends over me,
Searching my reaches for what she really is.
Then she turns to those liars, the candles or the moon.
I see her back, and reflect it faithfully.
She rewards me with tears and an agitation of hands.
I am important to her. She comes and goes.
Each morning it is her face that replaces the darkness.
In me she has drowned a young girl, and in me an old woman
Rises toward her day after day, like a terrible fish.
By Sylvia Plath
Wednesday, July 7
she's only happy in the sun
Anxiety. A breath. Cleansing and strong. The same damn question is repeated to myself over and over again. This has been a tedious routine - repeated as if my soul is already in purgitory.
The same answer is given always. Look within. Perhaps, I am trying too hard. Perhaps, the answer isn't as complicated as one might think.
******
I like John Edwards.
*************
I miss Mr. Malone's music and company.
Soon I will be able to make it back to open mic night.
Anxiety. A breath. Cleansing and strong. The same damn question is repeated to myself over and over again. This has been a tedious routine - repeated as if my soul is already in purgitory.
The same answer is given always. Look within. Perhaps, I am trying too hard. Perhaps, the answer isn't as complicated as one might think.
******
I like John Edwards.
*************
I miss Mr. Malone's music and company.
Soon I will be able to make it back to open mic night.
Sunday, July 4
Saturday, July 3
southern rain
(morning music: Ben Harper- Steal my kisses)
Good Morning world. My puppy was returned to me today. The woman acted as though she would not give her up...I forgive her though.
***
I like the word 'pithy'.
****
I feel my faith in God growing stronger lately. It is a very unexpected experience and something I never thought I could have. My deepest gratitude to those who have helped me along my path.
***
Cold Mountain is a great Movie. I have an infatuation with Nicole Kidman.
***
I miss my soldier. I miss my Nathan. When it rains, I feel the rain crying with compassion for our pain that settles into our hearts.
****
I am bartending tonight down at the local redneck bar. Stop in and give me some of that sweet ignorant sexual harassment. The locals do, why shouldn't you?
(morning music: Ben Harper- Steal my kisses)
Good Morning world. My puppy was returned to me today. The woman acted as though she would not give her up...I forgive her though.
***
I like the word 'pithy'.
****
I feel my faith in God growing stronger lately. It is a very unexpected experience and something I never thought I could have. My deepest gratitude to those who have helped me along my path.
***
Cold Mountain is a great Movie. I have an infatuation with Nicole Kidman.
***
I miss my soldier. I miss my Nathan. When it rains, I feel the rain crying with compassion for our pain that settles into our hearts.
****
I am bartending tonight down at the local redneck bar. Stop in and give me some of that sweet ignorant sexual harassment. The locals do, why shouldn't you?
Friday, July 2
army bitch
Went to see my ex finance/now fiance again for his basic training graduation. Things of interest:
** Indian hotel owners will propose to you and tell you they will buy you anything you want at the drop of a hat. (I politely asked for a rain check)
** They will also send their estranged employees around town to find some really good ganja for you as well. (predictably said ganja was laced with some kind of other drug, that I have yet to identify)
** If you think they are Mafia...They are.
** NEVER ride with your significant other's immediate family member(s) on a 10 hour car ride back home. You will soon find you would much rather walk and face the chance of being raped and/or murdered.
** The army is lacking in up-to-date styles for their uniforms. Please no more pleated pants and thick glasses - that just begs for someone to shoot you!
** Marriage can last in the army, when you throw 3 rules regarding infidelity in the mix: 1. No friends 2. Always use protection 3. Never talk about it.
*********
My first night back, The metrosexual (I think that is what he called himself)and Jess came to hang out with me. I don't remember much of last night BUT, I do remember there being some need for clarification between dots and feathers. (type of Indian)
Hello folks. You love me and I missed you too.
Went to see my ex finance/now fiance again for his basic training graduation. Things of interest:
** Indian hotel owners will propose to you and tell you they will buy you anything you want at the drop of a hat. (I politely asked for a rain check)
** They will also send their estranged employees around town to find some really good ganja for you as well. (predictably said ganja was laced with some kind of other drug, that I have yet to identify)
** If you think they are Mafia...They are.
** NEVER ride with your significant other's immediate family member(s) on a 10 hour car ride back home. You will soon find you would much rather walk and face the chance of being raped and/or murdered.
** The army is lacking in up-to-date styles for their uniforms. Please no more pleated pants and thick glasses - that just begs for someone to shoot you!
** Marriage can last in the army, when you throw 3 rules regarding infidelity in the mix: 1. No friends 2. Always use protection 3. Never talk about it.
*********
My first night back, The metrosexual (I think that is what he called himself)and Jess came to hang out with me. I don't remember much of last night BUT, I do remember there being some need for clarification between dots and feathers. (type of Indian)
Hello folks. You love me and I missed you too.