hello evil - how are you today?

I decided to watch the new Exorcist after a win with an internal struggle with a phobia that started when I was nine. I have had the movie sitting with all my other DVDs for over 2 weeks now, unable to watch it. I have had extreme issues with the original movie and all of its sequels. I remember, about five years ago, I walked into a friend’s house and she was playing that movie. A scream caught in my throat and I looked at her and said, “I seriously can NOT watch this movie.” I left. To this day it is terrifying for me to see clips or even worse…the Hollywood sound of Satan possessing a person. I decided to watch the movie last night for a couple of reasons. 1. In order to overcome a phobia you must know everything about your phobia. I want to study what makes me fear something so much. 2. If I ever encountered such a paranormal event I would want to be able to handle it and not go into shock or be paralyzed by fear. Sounds silly, that I am preparing my mind incase I see things depicted in a horror movie but, if you begin to really think about it chaos and the end of the world could happen tomorrow – you really never know. It is not very likely but is probable. I think it is important to witness hideous and frightening things that we are in no way comfortable with. This is how we will survive something we aren’t expecting. The director in me loved the cinematography and visual effects and I think I may be able to watch the original again soon. Making me witness my fears did not come without consequence. I had dreams all night of Satan and evil acts…and I do not expect them to stop for some time. They did not leave me feeling scared and desperate when I woke, surprisingly, so I can’t really tag them as nightmares. Anyway, hooray for deep rooted fears and bringing them to the surface to deal with them.


On a side note: You should listen to more Stone Sour. Lots more.
Side note two: Mr. Grim -Thank you for editing my HTML and spending hours fixing it. :) It looks wonderful.

blue light

A close friend's father has died. It will rain soon. The world will cry for the loss of an extraordinary man and Heaven will weep with joy to receive him. I wish I would have had the chance to meet him.

Save.Our.Ship!

Rain and rain and rain. I wish the sky would open up and just let it go - a tremendous shower to wash away so many things. Spring showers are just teasing me. My family is hurting from a loss. I feel the sting of death will be over us within a year. It is a very complicated situation that has no positive solution.
Cold silence has a tendency to atrophy any sense of compassion – until something horrible happens and then you ignore the betrayal and just want to hear a familiar voice. A voice that knows you and will comfort you. I can’t cry. I have been taking anti-depressants regularly and it seems to block my ability to cry. My throat is scratchy and tight and my stomach flutters. I stare at the screen while partial tears burn in my eyes, needing to fall – but they won’t.

Sorrow and sorrow and sorrow. I am very sad tonight and I wish it would rain more.

war drums and sheep

2 NyQuil, 1 B-12, 2 20 mg Prozac, 1 birth control pill, a cigarette, and some music = my bedtime cocktail. I was up at 4:45 am to go to work this morning AND only hit the snooze button 3 times. That is an improvement. We shall see how getting up that early tomorrow goes. I have to wear a baseball hat at work. I like it. I want a black NY hat to wear to work *AHEM* (hello person I know and love that lives there) I never was a hat person until recently and that is because Chris pointed out I looked cute in a beanie – I agree but only if I have shiny lipstick and black eyeliner on. I think I will start a collection. Mmhmmm. Petroleum prices projected to be around $3.00 a gallon by the end of July. I say that is WAY past grounds for an uprising! Raise your right fist and resist I tell you (and have been telling you) www.unbrandamerca.org while you are at. Add to wish list: black spot sneakers. I am going to funk up my style tomorrow at work. I will go into character and pretend I am in Clerks! I can’t wait.

I (also) want an alarm clock that plays track 10 on the Emotive album by A Perfect Circle. That song gets me up and ready to GO. I think after a few months i would wake up screaming. Wouldn't that be an eye opener?

Wanted: my security

I watched Requiem for a Dream for the first time the other night – on a first date. It is recommended that if you like the person you are on a first date with - don’t let this movie be the ice breaker – unless you like a disturbed silence. I am not much of a first date person, but things went well, I think. At least we are still talking and that is always a good sign. I always feel like I am under a microscope and start to feel very defensive so it is hard for me let go and relax. It is kind of scary when one night stands start to sound better than an actual relationship – safer even. I have serious commitment issues, oh my. My dad even gave me the “it is not everyone else, it is you” speech today. I cried. I didn’t know if I cried because it was the truth and it was so blatant that my father had to take notice and say something or it may be the fact that I know it is true and I can’t change anything else…even though I have tried. Dad says that I should look for a “good” guy and get married. Then he said if I didn’t want to be a housewife I still need to better my relationship skills. This is when he said the classic “you remind me exactly of your mother”. More tears. I don’t mean to be the hot and cold type but it happens and it is exhausting. That is what happens when you live life 80 percent by emotion – you become a whirlwind of indecisiveness and confusion. Anyway, that was this morning. I am feeling much better now because I have a new job and I start tomorrow. *score*

I had a dream this afternoon of smacking this person that is haunting me. I was screaming at him and crying because of so many times of betrayal, fights, and disappointment. Then he hugged me in the midst of my rage. I stopped frozen by his touch the feelings of rage and pain stopping while love filtered back into my heart. Then he let go of me and all the rage and pain came right back. Another slap and an “I hate you”. The love now buried beneath all the unnecessary - again.

Sandman go away.

So, Do you love my homemade graphic? I have a crappy graphics card on my computer so it looks a little pixilated on my end, but I have been assured its not. This site is going to be a work in progress, I feel the need to baby it a little. (I heart Photoshop brushes)

In other news I have been awake for a whole 2 hours today and It is very hard to stay awake. I have these intense lucid dreams that keep me under. When I do wake up my body feels like it has no desire to be awake. Chris brought his X-Box over with the hope I would get addicted to playing video games or give me something to do. I wonder, if given the chance, how long I would sleep my life away. I could hear Chris and T playing this morning and I wanted to get up and play with them but these dreams were so intense that I could hear them but I was still asleep. Uh Oh - I have to go, T just discovered aluminum foil and its fantastic noise making and crinkle properties - we shall play with it.

sigh

Dear Mystery Poet,

Your identity is going to be a disappointment to me, I can feel it. There is only one person that has entered my thoughts as to who you could be or who I would hope you to be - and I can be almost certain my someone is not you - no matter how much I wish otherwise.
Brutal honesty slashes at the soul. I am not your Juliet. Juliet got herself into a mess of trouble over teenage hormones. Honestly, Juliet? hmmmph!

going to go get a version of a celtic shamrock and the butterfly. Yeah for new ink! Tattoos make me happy and will make me feel a billion times better.  

Happy St. Patricks Day, I am going to get another tattoo tonight! I am so excited!  

LOST/STOLEN: missing

Books: (this really ticks me off. I want my effin books BACK. *sob*)

1984
The Bell Jar
Life experiences: essays (Alan Watts)
The way of Zen (Alan Watts)
Thesaurus (college edition)
Palmistry
The Alchemist (Paul C -something or other)(I could cry for years that this book was not given back to me)
Hypnosis for Beginners
another hypnosis book
The Violin (Ann Rice)
A small book on Astrology (orange cover)


Even though I never read my books - I miss them when they are gone. Seriously, this brings me sorrow.


Tomorrow I am going on a witch hunt!

Movies:

12 Monkeys
The Fifth Element
Adaptation (which I have no idea what Tristen did with the damn thing, and I have STILL not seen the movie)
The Butterfly Effect ( I think my grandma has this one)
Aladdin
that one with the cartoon horses...
The Doors (mom....give it back)
Dirty Dancing (piss on whoever borrowed that and didn't give it back)
Tombstone (the copy Shane gave me for my B-day)

Jewelry:

The black onyx bracelet mom brought me back from Mexico
My grandmothers class ring *sobbing*
Too many earrings to count and remember
The bracelet Troy gave me while I worked at Utopia
The Sri Yantra Nick gave me *gasp then sob again*
The pentagram poison ring that Becky and I both had to save up to buy out of the Pyramid Catalog.
too many other cool/neat/expensive necklaces and rings.


*sigh* I am so depressed - I am forcing myself to stop listing things that are lost/stolen: missing. good night, I need to cry for my missing things/memories. WHY!? Why did I do this to myself? An itemized list of precious belongings gone and now thoughts drift to people and memories that are slipping from my grasp or are completely gone from me.

"you can't have me"

I still wouldn't want to meet up with him in a dark alley

-- well Ok, maybe for a second but not more than 3 or 4.

Oh, If you haven't seen Lost Highway (screenshot above)and you like crazy F-ed up movies with sex and strange short old men, then you will love it.

I heart the Lost Highway soundtrack.

make me dizzy

I want to go back and appreciate something I forgot to acknowledge

Happy Birthday Baby!

My son turned 3 today. He woke up to a living room decorated with balloons, a sponge bob table cloth, presents, and a new fish. He had a fanatastic day. He hasn't mentioned his dad in over a month. Until today. He had his droopy helium ballon and called it 'daddy' then stommped on it and punched it. I couldn't move or say anything. He quickly went on to play with something else, as most three year olds do.The little incident is a memory I will not soon forget. His "dad" did not call him today and I think my boy is starting to realize things about how a dad should be and how his own dad compares. I am sad for him but I know there are others to be there for him much more than his 'father' ever will. His party is tomorrow (2 days worth of presents and birthday attention - you can't beat that)


To my friends and family: Thank you for giving us the much needed support.

You've seen it...but do you know what it MEANS? 

Everyone loves a little mystery. ?Et in Arcadia Ego?, ca. 1640 - by Nicolas Poussin.
 

a flame

She is not the only one who hurts
She is not the only one that suffers
She is not the only one stripped away
Remembering is an arrow of difficulty

Piss on being chained by your sense of self
When a need consumes you entirely - what else is left?
She breaks, of course.
Consequence in vengeful isolation
A silent and cold place that is littered with despair

Gasp. Then Scream. Her Crucial whisper in the winter wind.
Her senses fall numb and crumble with sorrow
Warm tears…creating the weather in broken dreams

She is not the only one who needs
She is not the only one suffocating
And yet a shiver of fear sends her into shock


When her fear became her reality
Something inside her heart stopped
The world hesitated
Too brief of recognition
Lilacs wither with time
Remembrance of beauty
Staggers into distant déjà vu

What can poison become?
Nothing but a poison, created for one purpose
– No matter what you dilute it with

********

You say all you needed was my compassion. Hear me when I say you absorbed every ounce of it with your greed.

chics for free!

Microwave ovens and custom kitchens make me feel FANTASTIC. I am in such a whirlwind of happiness and energy. There is that perpetual sulkiness but it is stuck inside an envelope addressed to tomorrow or the next day.

The thief: "you have never felt the freedom of losing control?
it is bliss."
Mr.Gray: "What makes you think so, you with the eyes?"
The thief: "I think it is inevitable.
You can want to shut it off, but you can't. All you
can do is fool yourself into it. I could be wrong. I don't know all the answers. Emotion is tricky, I wouldn't have it any other way."
Mr.Gray: What do you know? Aren't you only 22
The thief: age. It is come down to that ? That is ignorant and
you know it.
Mr.Gray: Ok, You are right
The thief: I know.

horse shit

Went riding yesterday for a bit. It was very spontaneous. The horses were restless and filthy, matted with early spring mudd. Chris helped me brush them and give them a good dose of love. They are so beautiful. I wasn't planning on going riding but I couldn't resist once I felt how restless they were - Just like me. If Chris and Tristen hadn't been there I would have let that gate swing open and let the beauty run through the unplowed fields for hours. My son loves them though and his happiness was overflowing. After the quick ride we all went to the park. I did cartwheels. I am not talking a few here, I am talking about dozens of cartwheels. So much that it made me as giddy as my precious 3 year old. Tristen soon fell asleep. Chris and I spent over an hour lounging on the porch with an abundance of green tea (mixed berry, jasmine, honey, mint), sketch paper, and cigarettes. I always sketch one thing. One Eye but never the same eye. Whose Eye is it? Why is it always this eye? For years it has been a crux that religiously appears from a crayon,drawing pencil, paintbrush, etc. damn thing.

The neighbors were having a barbecue. They have them all summer long - every night. You can smell the blissful aroma of steaks, pot, and burning coal. They offered us a beer. I love the spring. Winter, I feel I have chased you from my heart, please stay gone.

Tangled up with this crux
So precious and irritating
I need you - now go away
 

Dear Plato,

You can kiss my non-real ass! Your non-real student was a much better philosopher and his "ideas" did not piss me off half as much.

P.s. People say you were an idealist. That is crap. hmmmph. I am sorely disappointed. I expected more.

Sincerely, The Thief

(Oh,If you see Pythagoras around give him a pat on the back for me. I love that guy)