like you

Delicate wings pinned against Styrofoam
- a congregate of colorful corpses
Resilient sorrow left on your fingertips
The song of serendipity wavers in the breeze
Hum the familiar melody to bring it all back
A precious experience
My habitual weakness
but only in your absence

BRILLIANT. 

Superstition

Everyone in the house has been having nightmares. Tristen just cried out in his sleep. I was yelling last night. Bad vibes all around. I fight tears and fear for something that hasn't even happened. I don't think this has anything to do with pms, but I could be wrong.

fever + PMS = bad news for everyone.

House shopping is very tedious. I am frustrated and drained (not to mention sick as hell). I think I will have some chocolate and go to bed. I have PMS and every thing around me is incredibly annoying and almost intolerable. I feel bad for the boys - they have to deal with my uproar of hormones. The boyfriend is hiding in the basement...another reason why basements are handy. uggg. I feel so horribly icky and angry and restless and blah blah blah blah.

Spiraling (but in a good way!)

I have a new job. It is a good job and I get paid a lot more an hour - another good day. House shopping is in order. I now have the means to move. I need three things from our next house - first and for most 1. A Shower (When one is in a bathtub only household, the luxury of falling/refreshing water is no longer taken for granted)2. Central Air (I get extremely intolerable when it is hot and/or humid, especially at night)3. A basement (the reasoning as to why I must have a basement is very....Strange. Let us just say I am too paranoid about some things other than a severe storm)

Lilacs. I caught my favorite smell in the air today. Heaven. It is too early to pick them though. I have been keeping a watch on the tree by the highway, at my grandma's house, and the one two houses down. Soon, every room in my house will have at least a vase of them.

Stuff v.4

Job interview tomorrow - a good job. I decided to move to Lafayette to be closer to campus. Hooray for a better job! We all went to Rocky Ford today. Those of you non-Hoosiers Rocky Ford is a infamous spot in our county were lively folk like to go swimming. (or when the sun goes down you can usually find skinny dippers and druken campfires)The boyfriend stripped to his boxers and went swimming. (T and I however, took our shoes off and rolled up our pants) When another swimmer came stumbling down the sandy river bank, I was struck with a question. "Do you feel strange being in your boxers in front of another man?", I had to know. He ,of course, said that he didn't but I found it to be a little awkward, and I wasn't even the one in my underwear. Anyway, more badmitton was played today. I am addicted and a self-proclaimed dork because of it.

~~~~

Oh yes, I have a new 'thing' for Polaroids. I want to take pictures of everything - all the time.

~~~

I watched Resident Evil tonight. (yes, I know it has been out for a long time) I think I liked it. It has the woman from Fifth Element (Milla Somethingvich?) - so it was a given that it would be pretty good.

Goodnight to a good day

Drove to Walmart on a quest for a badmitton (sp?) set today. I ended up buying a plethora of other unnecessary items. Actually, I had a great day. We went to the park and had a BBQ (Country Time lemonade included), let the guys set up the Badmitton net, girls vs. guys - we lost (and even cheated), lots of filthy children running around with an occasional skinned knee and/or bruised elbow, a few candid Polaroid shots (don't you miss a good old Polaroid camera?), and barefoot in the perfect chemically treated lawn (no crabgrass even). Yep, today was a feel good day with a little bit of sadness thrown in - but only for a few moments. My sis and boyfriend were quick to cheer me up. I heart them and it is agreed that we must have a badmitton fest every two to three weeks.

Our quiet fury

My son and his cousin were playing in their grandpa's yard. Cousin Aedan called for "Pa Paw". My son was furious. "That's my pa paw!" What he said next crushed my heart and soul. "I have no daddy, that's my pa paw - not yours!". Words that I didn't expect to spill from my three year old. A lot of children have fathers that don't/won't see them. My son's father has made the repugnant choice to abandon our son - for the second time. I hate him for it and as I write every hair on my body tingles with fury. My son is far to young to have recognition of such grown up issues and feel the sting of his father's absence. My worst fear is coming true - my baby feels pain that I can not take away. My son is losing his innocence far faster than I would have ever thought possible.

objection.

I Caught a glimpse of the dreadlock guy at Goodwill yesterday. I went to pay for my old man sweaters and he went in the back. No matter, he has the same calm and serene demeanor every time I see him. I don't know why, but I left the site address on a slip of paper for him. He shows such patience and good nature. I wonder if the words "Piss Off" (or the like) have ever spilled from his lips...I highly doubt it. I only think it is fair to give him the address because I mentioned him. I mean, if I were to appear on a random stranger's blog - I would want to read it. Anyway, Hey dreadlock guy you are nice and you make people feel better when you talk to them. Good job!

I also went to this long (long) study/survey/mock (are there two correct ways of spelling this word in this context?) trial/thing over on campus. I signed a confidentiality waver so I can't really say too much except I know nasty dirt on a large respectable ummm....learning facility.. I had to endure over confident and over paid lawyers for 4 hours (hearing testimony) then go into a mock jury deliberation (4 hours), not to mention learning the United States Patent laws on top of that. Crazy stuff. I was paid 150 bucks in cash though. It was an interesting experience. Corporate Lawsuits take up way too much time, money, bottles of water/coffee, etc. for what finally happens in the end. Funny, the prosecution lawyer reminded me of a guy I knew/know... some people are excellent at the art of manipulation combined with Charm. They will get you every time. (I now know how to cure ailments by scraping away certain layers of tissue {leaving mostly basement membrane and Sub mucosa }from a pig bladder - and also plenty of handy information on correctly filling out a medical patent application. :) )

mmmhmm

Filled out my financial aid today ! Going back to school July 1! I am so excited. Yeah for homework - college - students - teachers - books - me. :)

prey

Laying in bed last night - not yet asleep. I hear a scream of a baby animal. The cat was carrying in a baby rabbit. I panicked - for a second - and then realized that I had to get the poor baby away from my cat. I did. The baby rabbit stayed the night in a box in the basement. I put some Hydrogen Peroxide on the nasty gash behind it's ear and put it in a safe hiding spot out in the yard a few minutes ago. I also left some carrots out in the yard. I hope the little guy (or gal) makes it.

****

Very melancholy today. I woke up to the boyfriend playing Lynard Skynard before he went to work. It was kind of nice to wake up for a few to listen to some good tunes and then drift back to sleep. Where has my energy gone? I have none today. I am drained. I should go take a nap with my favorite sheep blanket and turn the fan on high. Then I will take T to the park if it doesn't rain - I hate it when he plays in the sandbox, I always fear for the high probability of cat poop that could be found.

***

I have come to the conclusion that I like Alicia Keys a lot better than Norah Jones.

****

I think I am going to watch A Walk to Remember again tonight - or at least my favorite scene. I heart Mandy Moore.(shhhh)Watch the movie, I know you secretly love it when she sings.

Spiced

( currently listening: to really crazy mixture and periodic silence)

House to myself – no kid no boyfriend and no work. What do I do with myself. Clean…(?)...go for a walk (?)
I opened Windows Media Player and chose my ‘home alone’ usual: prefabricated female pop music. I like to sing to it while I am cleaning. (but only if no one is at home) In the middle of picking up the house, I stopped. I went to the closet and took out the box of oil pastels. There is a limited selection of color choice seeing as T lost most of them. I pressed down – a brilliant black line …That is the thing I love about oil pastels, the vibrancy of COLOR! I doodled my picture, cut the paper in a strange design and stuck it up on my wall. Relief, but still not satisfied. Doodled another colorful abstract picture – cut – and taped it to the wall. Changed Mood. Change in music. Stonesour followed by Smashing Pumpkins. Music changed my mood again. Hello Damien Marley. Anything Reggae used to remind me of Nathan – I used to despise it actually. Now I just love it (only when in the proper mood or else it may still annoy me). Anyway, I had the same problem - What do I do with my time? Write. It feels fantastic to stop the mundane and splash color on a piece of paper and then write about it. I made myself smile today. You should love me for that.

Please

Stepped outside and a warm wind blew my hair back from my face. Does my son need his father? Should I try and try over and over again to get him to see him? Should I give up and let go? A perpetual sorrow of indecision. Which choice would be the better choice for him? How can I be so sure? Enough of this.

Today is beautiful. Radio loud. Windows open. Skirt and tank top on. I will feel better today. I will sing and dance barefoot around the house. Enough sorrow. enough!

chilled

(currently listening: Evanescense - Going Under)



“You look like an angel today.”

An angel that will rip your throat out…
A combination soul of dark and light
He will witness her life
Acknowledgement is given
and she became silent
briefly…
“I need to take these white robes off and change into some jeans.”

Finding center

Currently listening: Blind Melon - Soul One

Today's Horoscope

Just as you think you have stabilized your vacillating emotions, you may find that there is a strong force coming in to stir things up again, dear Cancer. Look at these curve balls as all part of the fun and adventure. There is a calming peacefulness to your nature that should be exalted and praised. If people don't recognize this tremendous quality within you, don't take this as a signal that you need to change and become someone else.

Hmmm explains something unexpected. I love it when those things are accurate. It is nice to see your day in words - written by someone else.

***
A telemarketer called today. She wasn't selling anything, just wanted to ask me questions. I answered. I talked to her for 20 minutes. It was a political survey. I enjoyed telling them that I thought Indiana (and the nation) should balance their budget and increase spending for education and Medicaid by increasing "sin" taxes a whole bunch. She wanted to know if I thought Indiana was in better standings or not than with the last govenor. I said,"The governor really doesn't have a whole lot to do with it, it is the damn president that screwed us". She laughed and said " Well that answers my next question on rating President Bush."

Anyway,It was a nice change from high interest credit card sales...

recent past

I seem to be swimming in this nostalgic wave of thought and emotion lately. Flashes of meaningful bits of my past. The remembrance of a certain scent or touch – among other things…


2. Learned that T had flushed his two new (very well and alive) pet fish down the toilet – along with a page from a coloring book (?)
3. Played soccer with Tristen’s oversized bouncy ball with Ron while rocking to Damien Marley.(and loved it?!)
4. bought a new stained glass butterfly wind chime (I heart wind chimes and butterflies)
5. Noticed the lotus leaf petal in the third eye charka symbol
6. Bought two new books: Be Here Now and The Four Agreements - both recommendations.
7. Went to the park with T and Ron – fed ducks, illegally parked, and ate lunch at Arnie’s
8. put on comfy clothes when we were home from town (comfy skirt and light t-shirt)
9. Remembered the bliss of being at peace in one of those (brief) life changing moments (that you forget about in a few days)

untouched

(currently listening: Vast - V.A.S.T.)

Is it all for nothing – Is this really what you wanted?
these wandering stars
Won’t anyone see them?
Trouble at first light.

She sings under her breath
All ways a beautiful song
A song that lulls the willow
and carries the sent of serenity
A beautiful and tragic hope
That none will hear


*************

floating fish

My little household was upset today with the death of Water, my son’s beta fish. (He named it himself) I made the mistake of flushing the fish, damnit, I should have put him in a box so we could bury it. Oops. It was just instinctual to flush the thing. T comes up to me crying, “I want my Water fish!” Needless to say we will be stopping off at Wal-Mart today to get Water fish #2. My boy is having a bad day, his fish died and he has to go to the doctor. :(
We need our McTherapy. (Nick, you should really copyright that coined term) Yes, that will put a smile on his face.