my demons

I use up to three different kinds of body soap when I am in the shower(and when time is of no concern). This is unnecessarily time consuming. I should create the perfect shower gel. It would have: antibacterial ingredients, micro beads (for exfoliating purposes), moisturizers (oil/fragrance free), green tea extract, and vitamin E extracts - Body wash perfection in a biodegradable bottle of shower gel. I will spare you my hair conditioner regime. I love my shower...

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Did you know there is only one Arc angel? I did not know that. I thought there were many Arc angels. Nope. Michael is the only one. I have always had a passion for knowledge of angels and demons. It is a flame more now, than ever.
I am kind of distressed. I have been reading this book called The Bible Doctrines and I have misplaced it. I scoured all 970 square feet of this apartment. The book is gone. I didn’t put it away because I read it everyday – I have no clue what could have happened to it.

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My clothes are very loose fitting today. I have lost more weight. This makes me happy. I can’t help that side of vanity – my shame. I love to look good and not just good….but beautiful. Shame shame shame! I promise not to wear a tight shirt today...I could though and it would look good.....but I will not.

(un)holy water

Yesterday was intense - for a plethora of reasons. Above all the lows came an amazing high. Chris stayed with T and I at my mom's (too hot to stay at my oven of a house). I think I am moving tomorrow....hello nice new apartment. I really like Fast Car - by Tracy Chapman. I just turned it up really loud. Good sound track for today, I think.

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I miss a ghost, I miss his hauntings. I REALLY need to snap out of that.

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Ron says, I hate to be happy. Other people have told me that too. I don't think that is entirely correct. Some truth.......but honestly......who loves misery?

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Charity gave me a book last night at the Baptism. It is called She Said Yes. It is about a teenager who was in the Columbine Library that day. She was asked if she believed in Jesus Christ and she said yes. Then she was shot in the face. Her mother wrote the book. I have two other books to finish before I start this one. I have been reading alot. Almost everyday! Very unusual for me...I'll enjoy it while the motivation is there.

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3 more days left at the gas station! (Need to leave in five minuets) I think everyone should work at a convenient store for 6 months. Honestly. You will learn many life lessons. I'll have to compose a list for you when I have time. I will miss the regulars…especially the coffee drinkers. (Charlie, Dana, and the hostess guy have to be my top three favorite regulars.)

Have a great sweltering day. *uuggg* humidity *whines*

Light Bulb

I have a notion: Look at all of the new quarters, find the one with the prettiest picture, and move there. :)

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I wonder why Indiana is called America's crossroads. It reminds me of that Bone Thugs and Harmony song. I like that song...*sings*

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T and I are moving Wednesday (and Angelo). FINALLY. I have been stuck in the Hub of the Universe for over two years now! Let freedom ring.

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Creditors lie. A LOT.

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I like that new ABC series Wildfire. I don't have cable but my mom has TIVO and I watched five episodes all in one night. It is about a troubled young woman who works on a horse farm and befriends a horse called ...yep......you guessed it, Wildfire. I wonder what it would be like to ride a very expensive race horse. Never have. Just quarter horses and a Tennessee Walker. I will have my little farm in the middle of nowhere someday.

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It is late and I smell like a giant French fry. I am going to take a shower *love* and go to bed *double love*. I am so spoiled when staying at my mom's. Hooray A/C, DSL, digital cable,lots of food,huge Victorian house, big screen TV,and I could go on and on. Her house is always so much cleaner and nicer than mine. Hmmph.

The sheep says:

I am struggling with some things. I was referred to as a ‘sheep’ today. Apparently, I used to think for myself and had my own ideas. ………but now that I am a Christian….dun dun dun – I lose myself to close-mindedness and secular thinking. I was asked if I respected other religions. I have always respected other religions…until now, I think. Other religions may provide good morals, strength, and faith to many people but, I don’t understand how they can be right if Jesus isn’t at the core of it all. By default this gives them the title of being wrong (I prefer the term “misguided”). These new things are what I have recently been taught and have understood as being the ultimate answer to the questions that I have been looking for since I was 7. This is what is changing my entire way of life, thoughts, and emotion.. I feel bad for others who put faith in a false God. It makes my heart sink.

My anxiety and worries will soon pass……this is all just very new to me and I have a whole lot of adjusting to do. I am still a little itchy from becoming everything I used to “hate”. I only hated it because it was the last place I wanted to look for an answer…I was lead to believe that Christianity was close-minded and oppressive…..no…no……it isn’t. It is just very black and white for the people that truly believe (not just the “Sunday” “Christians”). I still see a little room for grey although, my pastor tells me that there is no room for grey.

It is late. I am not so tired…but should still go lay down. Goodnight.

I will walk by Faith

I am getting Baptized Sunday. This moment, I have waited for all my life. To finally be able to shout (and mean it with the utmost conviction) to the world and to myself that I believe in Jesus Christ and I will honor him and his Word. I have never been happier in my entire LIFE. Peace. I know the meaning of the word. Love…..I can feel it more now than ever. Where this path leads me….I don’t know but, I will follow it no matter what adversity comes my way.

I have been listening to a lot of Jeremy Camp lately. His music is innately familiar. I know the words and the melody by heart and have only heard it once.

I don’t have the support I would like to have in this. It is a huge change that my family is finding hard to believe. They will in time….but I am not worried about that. I am excited to form new friendships and have experience with God at the very center of it all.

I am going to go play with Tristen in the water now. I pray that I will have the means to teach him and guide him along the path to God as well.

bored . . .

The Paomnnehal Pweor Of The Hmuan Mnid.
Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch as Cmabrigde Uinervtisy,
it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are,
the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae.
The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit porbelm.
Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe.

Summer zephyr

I have had 3 (uh huh, that's right) 3 cigarettes today and I am very.......Tense. I broke up with a man that loves me more than anyone ever has and probably ever will. I am not running away from him. I just can't....Adjust. I have to give my dog to a nice Mexican today as well. *sniffle* He is going to take her back to Texas with him. I will miss my Sadie girl. She is a very good dog. I wish I didn't have to go back to the gas station to work. I wish I would allow myself to run off into the summer for a week. Give myself to the throws of freedom and carelessness just for a little while. I won't though. Perhaps, someone will surprise me on my Birthday and take me out of here for a little bit. Perhaps not. *sigh*

I have been blessed. I must remember this.

I have to get ready to go into work. My current boss is disappointed I am leaving but happy for my opportunity. She likes me. I like her.

I need a smoke.

***........I pushed and then you stumbled
I kicked you in the face
You stare at me so hollow
Got to keep that killin' pace...........****

Cheap silver

It happens every couple of weeks. The disappearance of my voice. I need to clean my house today.

I think the dog farted...I still love her though. *sigh* It is going to be one of those blah days. The washer is still not fixed and the dog chewed up another vacuum cord. bleh.

The distance between my.....Boyfriend...and I continues to grow. I can't decide if this is a good thing or a bad thing. Maybe it is just a thing.