It is late and driving home tonight I had that overwhelming anxiety again. I don't know if it was the clear sky or just the beauty of the day today, or what. I tried to force that inevitable thought of nonexistence out of my mind and I forced myself to think about my son. (That always cheers me up) He is after all, the meaning of life right - the sole purpose? Then that song "Youth of the Nation" came on the radio and it made me think about how someday he is going to be in the generation that is the youth of the world. I had such an odd feeling of how life is constant and yet always changing. I think if you look at the bigger picture you will find not so many changes though....it just makes me feel so entirely small....so so tiny. I can't quite shake that feeling. The feeling of being nothing and everything at the same time. It is soooo strange. Perhaps again I am just overanalyzing again. I am to sensitive to the thought of not mattering...I am afraid to not be an individual....hell, I guess I am just human.

I think it is the silence that gets to me the most. because really there is no such thing as silence....Just something quite opposite – a constant, eternal, noise.

I just noticed that my poor comment section is down. Everytime I go to the site to see what is up I get this message "The server is temporarily too busy to process your request. Please try again later. " *dramatic pause* oh damn the server man!

What is heavy on my mind is just that. The sense of burdens and the weight of thought itself. When will I be able to break free from the chains of thought and just “be”? Can a person transcend that high that they don’t need to comprehend any concrete thought, they just know? Enlightenment. Is it tangible is it in everyone’s grasp? Hell no. I doubt anyone can achieve the actual definition of Enlightenment.

Enlightenment – a final blessed state marked by the absence of desire or suffering.

Granted I barely know anything about Buddhism or what I really am talking about but this just seems to make sense to me. I just think that each individual has the power to dive into his or her own minds and lay out all the information that is already there to achieve some sort of personal enlightenment. And all you have to realize is, is that you don’t have a chance in hell in figuring it all out (and that it really doesn’t matter!). That is what makes you Buddha. This is what makes you God. Yeah for me. Yeah for you. We are God. We rule! (Doesn’t that make you think of Kevin Spacey in that infamous line from American Beauty?…..oh how I love that movie)

Does this confuse you? Does this make you nod your head in agreement? Is it just too damn late? Damn that snowball.
(come on Nick - I know your smiling!)

A

Kalos Nous....

sorry for the lack of posting...I haven't felt all that great this weekend. I think I am getting sick :( and I am getting a little stressed because of all the things I have to do for school next week. That damn short story....I so lack any amount of creativity to write a story ....I lack the motivation to do the dishes let alone strive to write a masterpiece! I am beginning to think that going to school full time (instead of taking a semester off) was a bad idea. Hopefully I will feel better soon so i can get my ass motivated! .....*big sigh* so much to do.