A quick glimpse in the mind of someone who doesn’t exist.

It is not the fact that I think that we all are not existing right this moment…It is more like we never really existed when this moment is over. This concept is the same for everything that dies. I am sure you have all heard the theories that maybe life is just one big manifestation on top of other manifestations….my fear is sort of like that. It is the fear that we go through this hell of a drama lesson - called life – and then nothing. The end. You die. (Gee, I bring to light the happiest of subjects.) And, to me in my paranoid and fearful mind, dying is just like never really existing. You become nothing (or everything -- same difference) and all that you went through in life is just insignificant and really pointless.

I am not saying this is what I truly BELIEVE…I am saying this is what I truly FEAR. (and have feared for quite some time)

Because of the severity of this fear it has had a profound impact on how I see the world. Some of it good, some of it bad, but much of the time very ambiguous.

It smells like rain today. yum.

I just wanted to point out that in all reality I have left an indefinate impression on the world -- my son being a major part of that. woohoo mission accomplished.

(your addicted to blogging when you are holding your newborn and typing with one hand. o_O Sometimes you just have to blog.)

I was going to blog something half intelligent or amusing - but Friends is going to be on! (I am such a huge dork)

Have you ever had that **perfect relationship were you get past all that beginning awkwardness - you actually don't mind sitting alone with each other's parents (you even like his parents) - family get togethers aren't dreaded - sex isn't the most important thing - your dad finally accepts him - partying gets old - and you can openly admit you would love the chance to take his dog for a long ride out in the country and leave him there. -ect.

I did. damnit. now I don't.

Don't you just hate life's little (ok, so it wasn't so little) fuck ups?

** so it wasn't perfect, but now that I look back on it, it was pretty damn close. I hate that I took a love like that for granted -- that was about a year ago, you would think I would get over it.