Top ten list of my favorite songs (and why)! (If you want to post yours, list them in the comment section!) on a side note…this list technically would change all the damn time because some songs make me feel differently at different times…but here is an idea:

11. Sunshower – Chris Cornell Sorry I just couldn’t help it I had to stick this up here! Such inspiration and words that gave me comfort.
10. Something I can never have – Nine Inch Nails Every human being will always want something they can never have.
9. Touched – Vast This entire album has done soooo many things for me! Unbelieveable!
8. Passenger – Deftones featuring Maynard Exhilarating song that carries such intensity!!!
7. Building in a Mystery or Silence – Sarah McLachlan I could list all of her songs on here…but two have made the most significant of impressions.
6. Mouth full of cavities – Blind Melon Because everyone has felt the pain of this song…
5. Losing my religion - R.E.M the video was amazing and the message of knowledge and this pardoxal (mental) journey the person goes through…
4. Crash into Me – Dave Mathews The best love song ever written.
3. Fade out (street spirit) – Radiohead One of the most beautiful songs I have ever heard…it has this haunting tone and captivating guitar riff that goes beyond words.
2. Portishead – Mysterons Dark, full of pain, every word full of honest fears....
1.Pushit (on Salival) – Tool My mind just becomes trance like…this song is so perfect so much truth…calling it beautiful does not give it full justice..
-1. Last dance with Mary Jane -Tom Petty Well damnit maybe I should have made this a top 15....anyway this song is about Indiana and Weed it HAAAAD to be listed on here too!

Well there you have it! I hated to make just a "top ten" (ok ok so not exactly a top ten...) list but my list would just keep growing and growing….I have to make a few honorable mentions though Ben Harper, Stabbing Westward, Type-O, Alice in Chains, Fleetwood Mac, …the list goes on and on.

I finally had a chance to talk to miss Lauren today! (Damn it all I broke down and went to Utopia) I had a good time talking with her about her son and just children in general. It seems like I can’t relate to my old friends (I guess that happens when you have to grow up and they don’t) Anyway, it was nice to talk to someone I could relate with, Emily was fantastic too! I think we could have all talked for an hour or two more but that would have made the non-mom people at our table - go crazy! I will definitely have to get together with the both of them again for more parent/mommy/girl talk! …Hell we should start a discussion group…lol! I am sure with the 3 of us combined we can cover everything anyone would want (or not want) to know about being a young mom!

Started reading The Book…pretty deep stuff. It is hard for me to read some of it because it really touches on a fear of mine (actually THE fear)…and it makes that fear come into light. But I just keep reading because maybe I can understand more about why I fear it so much. (Sorry I am not going into detail about this allusive fear…it will take to long. Just know it has something to do with existing but in the end you never really existed type of thing)
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I bought 3 new books today! They are all by Alan Watts and based on Zen Buddhism. They all seem very interesting. I can’t wait to read them.

I hate to admit it but I just had a minor crisis because I couldn’t get the pickle jar open. (it ended with me throwing away the jar all frustrated and teary eyed) Now you can giggle at the whole being pregnant and eating pickles thing, but seriously I never really crave them, just today and today I couldn’t get the fucking jar open!!!(not that I am upset still or anything o_O) I had to call pizza king and order a bunch of food because I was really upset about the whole thing…so this is my down time in between going and picking up my comfort food and realizing that it was not the end of the world.

I am still stuck on writing this short story for my creative writing class. I just want the story to be good damnit and I have lots of ideas but I lack a plot line and all the major details! Ugg….it is hard to be creative on demand! Anyway I am going to go pick up my food and watch some movies I rented…

The last day or so I have been plagued with this heavy feeling. It is another one of those feelings that I just can’t quite describe.

When I was younger I used to lay awake at night and stare at the ceiling. I would then get images of myself lying in a coffin and then I would try to imagine what death would be like. I would get so wrapped up in the feeling and image that I would break out into this cold sweat of fear. (Similar to the same kind of fear feeling I mentioned in another post) This was hard for me to go through. I remember being about 9 or 10 and doing this every night. Do 9 and 10 year olds think like that a lot? My mom has always told me that I had a different way of thinking about things….and my dad always told me I was a “worrier”. And I will NEVER forget the day that my dad’s (ex) girlfriend told me that I would need Prozac before I turned 12. What the hell does this mean though!? I think it might have given me a kind of complex.

Lately, I feel like every breath I take is in slow motion. Like I am trying to breath slower that way I won’t waste another precious breath. When I lay down to go to sleep it is like the rhythm of my heart pounds harder than normal…like every beat is being stressed to make sure I am aware of it. I guess this is a type of anxiety but it is rare for me to feel like this for more than a half an hour. I don’t know how else I can describe it. It is definitely a haunting feeling that makes my entire body and mind ach.

Today was another good day! I love how opening a window and letting fresh air in makes me feel really good.

I have tried and tried to get a message/post thing working for this site (Sorta like a guest book). It is proving to be really complicated! I can only think of consulting Raven when he has time to mess with it. (Which really means letting him do all the dirty work to get the thing up and running…) He is great with computer stuff though, so I am sure it won’t be that complicated for him.

I watched a Jet Li movie last night…(it am not the one that decided to rent it) but, actually it was pretty good. I didn’t think I would like that sort of movie but he really kicks some ass! I guess you could say I am a new found Jet Li fan. o_O

Anyway, I guess I am going to work on a bio section for those of you who don’t know me…so you can get a better idea.