I have a bug bite on my ass. I discovered it in the middle of the night.(I wanted to investigate this horror then, but the need for sleep took priority.)I forgot to look at it this morning and now I am work and it isn't like I can run and look at my butt in the mirror in the ladies room. Someone would surely catch me and that is just not an option. What if my butt is turning black and I don't know it? I keep getting mental images of those giant mosquito like things that you see in sci-fi movies. You know the ones. They will rip your face off with one deadly bite!
This is, in the least, very disturbing. I usually have trouble falling asleep because I have a fear of bugs crawling on me and not knowing it. One little itch in my hair, across my arm, or near my face and my paranoia takes off. Flees? A brown recluse? Maybe it was a terrifying (but relatively harmless) earwig. It could have been some repulsive parasite that originally belonged to my cat and found its way to my nice warm body - looking for an entrance to feed off my blood. *gasp* THE HORROR!If I let myself get too worked up ,eventually, I'll get up and turn on the light, shake out the blankets and sheets, check myself over, and THEN try to fall back asleep. All of this is not the point. The devastating reality is that a vexatious insect decided to creep it's way across my skin and over my butt and effin BITE it. How am I NOT going to think about this all damn day?
Tuesday, September 27
Monday, September 26
at least it's something.
Falling sand turns into a rain of shiny steel
- the formation of isolation
Sustenance that is cousin to asphyxiation
- hot air exhaled from my mouth
"Hush", I tell myself. You are killing me.
****
I tried, thats all. 5 lines. no revison. never revsion...I should change that habit.
- the formation of isolation
Sustenance that is cousin to asphyxiation
- hot air exhaled from my mouth
"Hush", I tell myself. You are killing me.
****
I tried, thats all. 5 lines. no revison. never revsion...I should change that habit.
i am reminded
I have a numb mind – this pisses me off more than I can express. Inadequate creativity is more than a little frustrating. I can’t write but David Reed Powell can and I am envious. Here is one of his poems:
I found his book of poetry titled Strawberries at Goodwill.
Love Song and Sonnet from someone dying.
II
If I should bring you roses, or puppets, or a piece of string
And ask you to keep them for my sake,
Do not take my gifts as simple things
Representative of a spirit half awake
To propriety, or gestures half meant
And only half understood. I am lost.
In a world that I have not made and am sent
Reeling on errands senseless to me at most.
Therefore, I give you gifts as parts of me,
Meant to imply when I am gone that I am near
And meant when I am near to be
Echoes of meanings that formerly were clear.
It is better to be quietly misunderstood in your arms,
Than to be bringing you gifts, and die, and
Sound alarms
I found his book of poetry titled Strawberries at Goodwill.
Friday, September 23
psychos and their drugs
I have had severe depression since 8th grade. I was diagnosed with Dysthemia and a “chemical imbalance” when I was 15. I firmly believe that my depression is NOT from an imbalance. Granted, there may be some kind of psychological/scientific stock to that cop out of a diagnosis, but I don’t think it is a common as the doctor’s (and drug companies) are saying. Anyway, here is why I have diagnosed myself with ADD (and yes I went to a doctor and he agreed too (Yes I know doctors will agree with anything to sell you medicine but really…take a look for yourself and tell me what you think).
Why I am complying with taking new medication:
• I lose things – Everyday. (Important things like keys, checkbook, driver’s license, credit cards, paperwork, notes, etc.) Ask me where my son’s birth certificate and social security card is or for that matter, where mine are? – haven’t a clue.
• I will not finish tasks or projects unless given a deadline to meet ( I let my boss know this my first day)
• I have a very poor memory. Seriously, It’s bad. I can only remember “flashbulb” moments - the rest is gone. I can dial a phone number 30 times in a month and still never remember it. I have watched countless movies over because I thought I had never seen them. I repeat myself to people because I can’t remember if I have told them already. I can’t remember my son’s first or second birthday parties. I can’t remember his first word, I can’t remember what we did the day we came home from the hospital – he is only 3. This is just an example of my suckass memory and having this problem makes me extremely upset.
• I am very ‘absent minded’ which people misconstrue to being “ditzy”. I will ask obvious questions that common sense should sometimes take care of.
• I can’t sit and read a book – I will either fall asleep or start thinking about something else while I am reading. I can’t even read a full length newspaper article and stay interested in it. (Unless it is about someone I know).
• If I could, I would sleep 18 hours a day (Just so you know, I will never answer the phone if I am sleeping or trying to sleep/nap)
• Complicated projects have to be mapped out for me in simple steps or I will get to annoyed and say “Fuck it”.
• My social and relationship habits are….(to be kind to myself) odd.
• I fall asleep driving – often.(scary.)
• People talk to me and tell me things and I never really listen, it’s not that I don’t mean to ignore what they are saying or that I don’t care. I do care….I just never understand why I can’t force myself to pay attention!
• I interrupt people – I get excited and I can’t help it.
• I have never fully taught myself a hobby but have started and stopped (lost interest) in many
• I am horrible with most fields of Academics except for the ones that have made a lasting emotional impression. (I couldn’t focus long enough to learn much in school) This makes me sad.
• Motivation to achieve a goal has never stayed with me.
Alone, these things could be excused and discarded, but my behavior and learning patterns over the last 6-7 years seem to be more alarming than I have realized. I have also realized that I have been treated for depression for eight years. EIGHT YEARS and my progress - my ‘normal’ has still been everyone else’s typical “emotional or melancholy” moods (which I am sure you, yourself have noticed through my moody and pessimistic writing). Sure, they have helped take away the outbursts of anger and anxiety (thank God) but obviously, I have not had any “success” with 8 years of treatment – So, that is why I made the appointment yesterday and why I heavily criticized my new doctor BEFORE he said anything about giving me meds.
I wanted him to know that I have done my research and I am tired of pissing around with those risky anti-depressants (tried Paxil, Prozac, WellButrin, Xannex (although, I wouldn’t mind having some of that back) and Zoloft) and that I wanted actual proof of my illness. Although, he said that it is nearly impossible to ‘prove’ mental illness in the form of blood work, lab work, CAT scan, etc. He mapped my life out for me and placed my emotional spectrum on a bell curve, then compared it to the generalized population bell curve. I nodded and agreed that yes indeed, I do have severe depression and a legitimate anxiety disorder (which I already knew, but I just wanted to make sure the doctor new this as well). I also wanted to make sure that he knew that I held no stalk in the fact that I had a ‘chemical imbalance’ (a cop out diagnosis that is given to every John Doe who has had a bad day) and that my depression was a result from something else. (I would have another opinion on the whole chemical imbalance thing if the medications had actually improved my depression on a mentionable level.) I told him that chemical imbalance – subject to interpretation bull shit was for the birds. He smirked with a surprising amount of patience. I told him that I thought doctors are guilty of handing out scripts for Ritalin and Prozac as if it was sugar free candy and that I knew all about the money the drug companies throw at them to push their drugs and how I thought that was disgusting and wrong because these drugs mess with people’s emotion! This may have made him a bit uncomfortable, but he was good at hiding it. He smiled (of course, he has heard it all before and is now thoroughly annoyed with my pestering and poking) I also explained this is why I am being - careful - in my choice to make a decision on believing that I had anything wrong with me to begin with. I was having trust issues and instead of just saying that – I had to go into my ‘doctors are evil’ speech. I am still bothered by the fact that I basically diagnosed myself – told the doc – he agreed and gave me a script for an amphetamine. But I want to improve the quality of my life! So to wrap this up quickly (you’ve probably stopped reading by now – so sorry to ramble) I told him I thought I had ADD for a long time and that is why the anti-depressants helped some but never really helped the depression fully. I was masking the problem and not taking steps to solve it. I took a short (too) generalized ADD test and scored extremely high on it. So, he starts writing a script and explaining what wonders Ritalin (I wonder if that company is the one that pays him the most for a sale?) can do for me and immediately I object. I’ve read too much about that drug and I just don’t want it. Next, a drug that will take about a month to work Stratera – I passed. I really wanted something that would have noticeable improvements now. Next on the list, Aderol – again, I objected. Finally, he was able to write one out for Concerta, an amphetamine, that is usually only prescribed to children but, he couldn’t tell me why that was - very similar to Aderol. A low dosage. He also threw in a script for my sleeping disorder (which is in fact, clinically proven through a sleep study I had done).
I am happy to be taking said amphetamine for multiple reasons: Hopefully, in the near future I can take pleasure in reading a book. Maybe in the distant future I will learn a trade or have a hobby and actually take the time to know it well. Perhaps two years from now, I will remember my son’s 4th birthday. Lastly, maybe it will give me a good buzz that will jump start my energy level – meaning I will have more motivation to work-out and generally be more productive. Sorry for the rambling – I am bored at work and I needed to take up some time. Props if you made it through the post!
I am not going back to check for grammar and spelling – I know they are there but it is time for me to go home. Hooray – new drugs and the weekend. Expect more on this subject Monday.
Why I am complying with taking new medication:
• I lose things – Everyday. (Important things like keys, checkbook, driver’s license, credit cards, paperwork, notes, etc.) Ask me where my son’s birth certificate and social security card is or for that matter, where mine are? – haven’t a clue.
• I will not finish tasks or projects unless given a deadline to meet ( I let my boss know this my first day)
• I have a very poor memory. Seriously, It’s bad. I can only remember “flashbulb” moments - the rest is gone. I can dial a phone number 30 times in a month and still never remember it. I have watched countless movies over because I thought I had never seen them. I repeat myself to people because I can’t remember if I have told them already. I can’t remember my son’s first or second birthday parties. I can’t remember his first word, I can’t remember what we did the day we came home from the hospital – he is only 3. This is just an example of my suckass memory and having this problem makes me extremely upset.
• I am very ‘absent minded’ which people misconstrue to being “ditzy”. I will ask obvious questions that common sense should sometimes take care of.
• I can’t sit and read a book – I will either fall asleep or start thinking about something else while I am reading. I can’t even read a full length newspaper article and stay interested in it. (Unless it is about someone I know).
• If I could, I would sleep 18 hours a day (Just so you know, I will never answer the phone if I am sleeping or trying to sleep/nap)
• Complicated projects have to be mapped out for me in simple steps or I will get to annoyed and say “Fuck it”.
• My social and relationship habits are….(to be kind to myself) odd.
• I fall asleep driving – often.(scary.)
• People talk to me and tell me things and I never really listen, it’s not that I don’t mean to ignore what they are saying or that I don’t care. I do care….I just never understand why I can’t force myself to pay attention!
• I interrupt people – I get excited and I can’t help it.
• I have never fully taught myself a hobby but have started and stopped (lost interest) in many
• I am horrible with most fields of Academics except for the ones that have made a lasting emotional impression. (I couldn’t focus long enough to learn much in school) This makes me sad.
• Motivation to achieve a goal has never stayed with me.
Alone, these things could be excused and discarded, but my behavior and learning patterns over the last 6-7 years seem to be more alarming than I have realized. I have also realized that I have been treated for depression for eight years. EIGHT YEARS and my progress - my ‘normal’ has still been everyone else’s typical “emotional or melancholy” moods (which I am sure you, yourself have noticed through my moody and pessimistic writing). Sure, they have helped take away the outbursts of anger and anxiety (thank God) but obviously, I have not had any “success” with 8 years of treatment – So, that is why I made the appointment yesterday and why I heavily criticized my new doctor BEFORE he said anything about giving me meds.
I wanted him to know that I have done my research and I am tired of pissing around with those risky anti-depressants (tried Paxil, Prozac, WellButrin, Xannex (although, I wouldn’t mind having some of that back) and Zoloft) and that I wanted actual proof of my illness. Although, he said that it is nearly impossible to ‘prove’ mental illness in the form of blood work, lab work, CAT scan, etc. He mapped my life out for me and placed my emotional spectrum on a bell curve, then compared it to the generalized population bell curve. I nodded and agreed that yes indeed, I do have severe depression and a legitimate anxiety disorder (which I already knew, but I just wanted to make sure the doctor new this as well). I also wanted to make sure that he knew that I held no stalk in the fact that I had a ‘chemical imbalance’ (a cop out diagnosis that is given to every John Doe who has had a bad day) and that my depression was a result from something else. (I would have another opinion on the whole chemical imbalance thing if the medications had actually improved my depression on a mentionable level.) I told him that chemical imbalance – subject to interpretation bull shit was for the birds. He smirked with a surprising amount of patience. I told him that I thought doctors are guilty of handing out scripts for Ritalin and Prozac as if it was sugar free candy and that I knew all about the money the drug companies throw at them to push their drugs and how I thought that was disgusting and wrong because these drugs mess with people’s emotion! This may have made him a bit uncomfortable, but he was good at hiding it. He smiled (of course, he has heard it all before and is now thoroughly annoyed with my pestering and poking) I also explained this is why I am being - careful - in my choice to make a decision on believing that I had anything wrong with me to begin with. I was having trust issues and instead of just saying that – I had to go into my ‘doctors are evil’ speech. I am still bothered by the fact that I basically diagnosed myself – told the doc – he agreed and gave me a script for an amphetamine. But I want to improve the quality of my life! So to wrap this up quickly (you’ve probably stopped reading by now – so sorry to ramble) I told him I thought I had ADD for a long time and that is why the anti-depressants helped some but never really helped the depression fully. I was masking the problem and not taking steps to solve it. I took a short (too) generalized ADD test and scored extremely high on it. So, he starts writing a script and explaining what wonders Ritalin (I wonder if that company is the one that pays him the most for a sale?) can do for me and immediately I object. I’ve read too much about that drug and I just don’t want it. Next, a drug that will take about a month to work Stratera – I passed. I really wanted something that would have noticeable improvements now. Next on the list, Aderol – again, I objected. Finally, he was able to write one out for Concerta, an amphetamine, that is usually only prescribed to children but, he couldn’t tell me why that was - very similar to Aderol. A low dosage. He also threw in a script for my sleeping disorder (which is in fact, clinically proven through a sleep study I had done).
I am happy to be taking said amphetamine for multiple reasons: Hopefully, in the near future I can take pleasure in reading a book. Maybe in the distant future I will learn a trade or have a hobby and actually take the time to know it well. Perhaps two years from now, I will remember my son’s 4th birthday. Lastly, maybe it will give me a good buzz that will jump start my energy level – meaning I will have more motivation to work-out and generally be more productive. Sorry for the rambling – I am bored at work and I needed to take up some time. Props if you made it through the post!
I am not going back to check for grammar and spelling – I know they are there but it is time for me to go home. Hooray – new drugs and the weekend. Expect more on this subject Monday.